February 3rd, 2011
5 Simple Rules for the Best Super Bowl Party Ever
An estimated 12 billion people will be watching the Superbowl this year according to a statistic that I just made up. It has become arguably the largest annual single event in the world, attracting football fans and non-football fans alike to witness the spectacle of the event. It is the pinnacle of American culture: Sports, pop-culture, marketing, capitalism and gluttony all converge for one glorious evening. I even have friends DVRing it specifically for the commercials (even though they will all be on Youtube by Monday morning).
Most of you will watch the Superbowl at some sort of Superbowl party, and some of you will host said party. Here are 5 simple guidelines to throwing the best Superbowl party around.
First and foremost, you need to have the largest and highest definition TV that you can afford. Let’s face it, you are throwing this party to be the center of attention of all your friends, and to show off how nice all your things are and how much more successful you are. Nobody understands this concept better than Jerry Jones, who happens to be hosting the Superbowl this year. In his new stadium he has HD screens so large that they actually impede your ability to see the field. So, steal a page from his book and purchase that new 300″ plasma screen 3D HDTV from Costco. You can always return it on Monday.
Second, you need gambling. Everyone has been building up for this event for 364 days. If it turns out to be a boring defensive struggle you need something else to keep it interesting. The simplest and best way to do this is by playing “squares” (for lack of a better name). All you need is a 10 x 10 matrix printed on a sheet of paper. Everyone at your party then buys squares before kickoff (make sure you tell people to bring cash!), and they sign their name to each square purchased. Once all the squares have been purchased, randomly assign the digits 0-9 on both the X and Y axis of the matrix. The X axis will represent the second digit of the Steelers’ score, and the Y axis will represent the second digit of Packers’ score. You pay out 10% to the person with correct combination at the end of the 1st quarter, 15% to at the end of the 2nd quarter, 25% at the end of the 3rd quarter, and 50% to the person with the correct digit correspondence for the final score. Randomly assigning the numbers after people sign up takes all the skill out of it and makes it more fun for your non-football fans.
Third, you need food and beer. Lots of it. All types of party foods are acceptable, and many types of chips and dips are recommended. Remember nothing accompanies sitting better than eating and drinking. Prepare accordingly. Also, you need to remember that people will judge you by the quality AND quantity, so you must not cut any corners. If you think that 5 layers of dip is enough, buy three 7-layer dips just to be safe. You don’t want people thinking you spent all your money on your TVs (plurality will be explained later). Beer is equally important and under much scrutiny. You’re allowed to pack a few cases of Keystone Light, but make sure your guests are get drunk on the good stuff before you submit them to the bargain beers.
Fourth, you need a second large TV. OK, this is crucial to the success of your party, especially if it is a larger party. There will inevitably be 2 types of people at your party, football fans and non-football fans. Your football fans will want to concentrate on the game, hear the announcers, and watch the replays. While your non-football fans will want to talk about who’s getting married, being lawyers, what their kids just learned how to do and the latest celebrity gossip. These groups do not mix well since one involves deep concentration and intense emotion, while the other involves talking over everyone else. Therefore, you should create separate environments in which both species can thrive without disturbing each other. Also, this is another opportunity for you to show everyone how much better you are than them because you have TWO 300″ plasma 3D HDTV’s.
Finally, you need to plan out your beverage storage. This is the most often overlooked detail of the Superbowl party. Whether you provide beverages or your party is BYOB, you will need ample places to keep beverages cold. You will easily fill your refrigerator, and the one small cooler you bought for the six-pack you and your significant other took to the beach. I recommend four Igloo 165 quart MaxCold coolers. Boasting a 280 12-oz can capacity, and the ability to keep ice frozen for 7 days under moderate conditions, this should be sufficient for you to handle whatever beverage situation that may arise, just don’t forget the ice (and the clean ice if you are doing mixed drinks).
If you follow these 5 rules, I promise you will have the best* Superbowl party this year.
*Unless the Steelers win, then everyone loses.