December 6th, 2010

A Caroling We Will Go: A Training Journal

We’ve got ourselves only nineteen days until Christmas is here. We know that you got all your shopping done on Black Friday, so that means the only thing left to prepare for is cooking the goose and singing the carols. The only way you’re going to be able to sing Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire correctly and in tune is if you listen to our training methods. Trust me- don’t worry, none of them include roasting any nuts on an open fire… We’re not sadists.

Day 19
Will undergo my annual, yuletide transformation from a mild-mannered, downtown nine-to-fiver into Pip, the cockney young English gimp. “They’ll give me the Ave Maria and put me on me April before I give up this ‘ere Bow Bells talk!”……I’ll begin gathering my things.

Day 18
Will freshen up before embarking on this year’s caroling journey by taking court-mandated bath, scrubbing my torso and special bits with paint thinner and drinking a half-bottle of Listerine.

Day 17
In efforts to instill a little pizazz into this year’s caroling extravaganza, I will be adding the thrilling, splendorous sounds of the oboe. First must learn to play this thing however, and finish cleaning this spit valve. My word, this is a lot of spit.

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Day 16
Will attend the local elementary school’s musical rendition of A Christmas Story to lend my smooth falsetto and practice for the caroling. Some might say that I’m a “little too old to participate”. Or that “an all black leotard and a Zima buzz were poor decisions” or even to “keep my hands on the hood of the squad car”. To which I say “Where’s your ****** ************ ********** ******** Christmas spirit?!”

Day 15
To heighten my Christmas spirit, I will begin a caffeinated holiday movie binge to end all caffeinated holiday movie binges. Fred Claus. Jack Frost. I’ll be Home for Christmas. Jingle All the Way. Anything with Tim Allen or Vince Vaughn in it- you know, the classics!

Day 14
Ski mask. Check. Voice altering box from the spy gadget shop. Check. Sack full of door knobs. Double check. My demands of figgy-pudding shan’t be ignored this year.

Day 13
Will perfect my ability to awkwardly stand in one place shifting my weight from one foot to the other while staring at a total stranger and moaning atonally by practicing on the cat(s) in my novice taxidermy collection. But I guess that’s my typical Monday night anyway, so does that really count?

— Tea Jones

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