December 20th, 2010

A Caroling We Will Go: A Training Journal (pt. 3)

We’ve got ourselves only five days until Christmas is here. We know that you got all your shopping done on Black Friday, so that means the only thing left to prepare for is cooking the goose and singing the carols. The only way you’re going to be able to sing Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire correctly and in tune is if you listen to our training methods. Trust me- don’t worry, none of them include roasting any nuts on an open fire… We’re not sadists.

Day 5
Drank the rest of the Maker’s and called mother up to give her a piece of my mind but the lady at the Final Frontier Nursing Home said she was having another one of her episodes, yammering about getting water to the elephants. Well that’s just GREAT mother—yet another holiday under your oppression!

Day 4
Nutrition is paramount to any successful carol, so took to some hard core carbo-loading at Jus’ Mac. Opted for the Bacon Bliss “Tray” instead of the “Regular”, but when it comes down to it, was it ever really up for debate?


Day 3
Snuck into neighbors’ house for annual Gift Shake. I think I may have been too rough on the one with the air holes because whatever was inside started trying to claw its way out. I thought it was just another set of steak knives for the patriarch, but why the card was addressed to “Little Tommy” I’ll never understand.

Day 2
I’m initiating a new workout routine that incorporates a pair of rollerblades, two Shake Weights and a golden retriever. I felt pretty bad for the golden retriever afterward because, yeah, maybe putting rollerblades on a dog is a little degrading. Felt worse for the hot pants though.

Day 1
To achieve sexiest falsetto possible, I put my pet hamster, Marmalade, down the front of my cleanest sweatpants. Introducing the boa constrictor was what really brought things to a Robin Thicke crescendo, however. I think the owner of the pet store and my parole officer agree.

— Tea Jones


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