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April 16th, 2012
I’ve lost the ability to say what I really mean when asked. I don’t mean that in a whiny, hipster goofball, attention-fishing kind of way, but in menial, everyday greetings, I’ve found myself giving the same canned answers day in and day out. The perfunctory conversations where neither party really listens, but they both smile and nod on their way to the coffee pot or broom closet to do drugs.
“Mr. Jones, how are we this morning?”
“Great sir, thanks for asking.”
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— Tea Jones
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April 2nd, 2012
12 p.m.
I arrive at New Orleans International Airport. I miss the rental car return exit three times and a lady screams at me with her whistle to move my vehicle from the fire lane. I didn’t think it was possible to curse through a referee whistle, but the implications behind the broad-shouldered lady’s staccato chirps were nothing G-rated. I daydream about the boot camp these employees must progress through in order to keep the terrorists at bay until she approaches my driver’s side window and raps on it with four-inch, curled nail tips. Time to move along, I see. This security force drives a hard bargain.
1 p.m.
I’m lucky enough to ride back on the HERTZ shuttle with a man named Edward who worked at a New Orleans radio station back when men ate first and T-Pain didn’t ruin music. I pretend to know the song that is playing while subtly keying fake air trumpet notes on the seat of my pants. I say something about jazz losing its soul when Coletrane lost the needle. Edward ignores me and announces my arrival at the Southwest terminal in a smooth, baritone voice. I thank him kindly, knowing that we have connected in a way that only two jazz aficionados can.
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— Tea Jones
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March 19th, 2012
7 a.m.
Or what I thought was 7 a.m. The hard-working La Quinta employees have forgotten about the time change. (All of this is happening before daylight savings time, so I’m not sure what time change slipped their mind exactly. Especially considering that it is now 8:36.) I slap at the alarm clock radio repeatedly, like a beached sperm whale begging for assistance. This turns a Top 40 channel up to full blast, switches the channel to AM static and somehow changes the time to 12 a.m.
I am already dressed from the night before, so I efficiently brush my teeth with my finger because I like to leave many items at home to add adventure to my travels. I shave with a razor I borrowed from the front desk using conditioner as shaving cream. Halfway through, I decide that the blade ripping my stubble out is just too painful and settle on a neck-beard and a mustache. I look like a pre-teen Civil War general, but that will make me look creative. I walk out the door, donating another phone charger to another hotel.
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— Tea Jones
March 8th, 2012
In 5 Words: Casual, Journey, Wine, Dine, Revelry
He/she will regret dumping me. I’m going to lose 20 pounds, quit biting my toenails and soak my scalp in Just for Men until my lungs burn. This is a brand new me!
Three weeks later, you’re back to wearing sweatpants, playing Call-of-Duty til 3 a.m. and yelling at Girl Scouts not to judge you for buying 15 boxes of Tagalongs. But you are who you are. A leopard can’t change its spots, so now’s the time to find a new pad, embrace who you are and hang out with good friends. And maybe sell the jewelry she left at your place for beer money, but that’s neither here nor there. For The Corkscrew, recreating itself was just as easy, it seems.
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— Tea Jones
March 5th, 2012
4 p.m.
I’m leaving work now to catch a flight for New Orleans. I have a big work presentation to give tomorrow and I won’t let the team down. My flight isn’t until 6, but I’m responsible and plan on getting to Hobby early and eating a pretzel.
The first few raindrops hit my windshield like the instigator in a recess fight that calls people pussies until they swing at one another. These drops are followed by many more, but I am adept at driving in the rain while watching funny animal clips on my phone. Others are not, and a wreck occurs somewhere in front of me. Instead of moving their vehicles to the side of the road to wrestle or whatever you’re supposed to do after an accident, the drivers get out of their cars and gawk at each other like when you show old people a 3-D television.
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— Tea Jones
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February 6th, 2012
When people are out to lunch, I like to sign for things, open them, and pretend I didn’t know that they weren’t for me. It’s a great way to find out who owes child support and who orders off-brand Cialis from Mexico (Dave). The delivery guy that brought the Valentine’s bear didn’t seem to notice or care that I didn’t look like a Debbie. I signed, and after fighting with cellophane wrappers and ribbons, I got the card open by ripping the envelope in half.
“Dearest puppy—have a wonderful Valentine’s Day!”
My friend Joe says that Valentine’s Day was invented by Hallmark and that it just furthers American consumerism. I don’t really have a problem with February 14th, but Joe listens to Velvet Underground and quotes Bill Maher a lot, so maybe he knows how those things work. What I don’t agree with though, is when someone orders themselves gifts just to appear less desperate. Especially when that gift is a 4-foot bear with a rose in its mouth that seems to just stare at me.
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— Tea Jones
January 24th, 2012
In 5 Words: CBGB, Burger, Adventure, Bombshell, ...DUDE
Sometimes when I’m being an obnoxious prick, I will pretend that being located outside of the loop and in a strip center are two very big strikes against a place. Really, I’m just too lazy and cheap to burn the gas to get there, and enjoy my little comfort zone of Montrose/south Heights. Prompted by a friend’s recommendation though, I begrudgingly got off my lazy ass and ventured forth to parts unknown, to brave the mysteries of the night. Adventure awaited. Whatever.
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— Tea Jones
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January 23rd, 2012
Dear applicant:
After careful review of your resume and application for the recently posted managerial position, we are writing to inform you that we will be moving in another direction with our selection. To increase your chances of advancing your position title in the future, please review the skill strengthening points below:
- Client relations
We appreciate your interest in the position, and invite you to apply again in the future should similar opportunities arise.
Warmest regards,
Human Resources Dept.
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— Tea Jones
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January 9th, 2012
As read by Morgan Freeman (If Mr. Freeman is unavailable, feel free to use Gilbert Gottfried):
Last Friday, as my friend Bill was speaking to an associate, he seemed to lose track of where he was on his walk through the foyer of our building. As he turned the corner to proceed down the escalator, Bill failed to realize that the apparatus was moving upward. As he stepped aboard, the unexpected motion threw his balance akilter. He stumbled like the stilted Uncle Sam in movies where children play sports in back alleys without fear and pull summertime hijinks.
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— Tea Jones
January 5th, 2012
We’ve quoted them. We’ve lied about reading them. We’ve even purchased them and put them in plain sight to make us look literate. But this week’s Listomania is about coming clean and righting wrongs- or at least admitting to them. These are the books we never quite got to, and despite our flippant commentary on each…we’ll probably regret having never read.
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— Tea Jones
