November 15th, 2010

Black Friday: A Training Journal

Let’s just go ahead and assume that Paul was able to quit smoking last week. Because there is no photo/video evidence to support otherwise, it’s all circumstantial and would be rendered moot in a court of law. We will not hear otherwise. To supplant our training journals, we turn our attention to two weeks from now and Black Friday. Will you be prepared? We will help you.

Day 1
Filled 10 bags from Nordstrom’s with sand. Made four laps around the Houston Galleria, each level, at a 15-minute intervals. I don’t need your concerned/disdainful glances, shoppers. Mind your own business. Come Black Friday, you will be crushed.

Day 2
Mapped out my course across Houston. Drove blind-folded to mimic driving at 3:30AM. Four fender-benders and five soy, chai tea lattes later, finished the dry run. Considering enrolling in the next open-wheel race when it comes to Houston.

Day 3
Installed zip line in the new wing of the Houston Galleria. It travels directly through the timed fountains, but I figure by the time I reach those, I’ll be in need of a water break. One trip through the fountains should be as good as three Gatorade stations.


Day 4
Visited Walmart during the wee hours in order to rush the doors. Unfortunately, the doors were open at the time. Had Old Man Hubbard brace up against one side in order to simulate the crushing pressure of hundreds of shoppers. Only ended up crushing his one good hip. Casualties of war are expected.

Day 5
Needing to practice standing in line, visited Bush Intercontinental. Taking to standing in line and once reaching the first check point, telling the official that I “dropped my boarding pass.” On my third line-standing stint, was taken for cavity search by TSA.

Day 6
We will have to call this one a day of rest. The FBI isn’t buying my story of Black Friday training and are still holding me in a cell at Bush. Probably shouldn’t have kept on muttering that I would “destroy all who stand in my way” when describing why I was training. A simple oversight, really. People just don’t get it.

Day 7
Worked out with some peewee football teams. Pushed the sled nearly half an inch with the help of the offensive line. I need to have my pulling and blocking down as the crowds surround luggage and other hot items usually get particularly pushy. As my back-up plan, I worked on my game face should I get chop blocked.

— The Loop Scoop


kaitlin — Wednesday, November 17, 2010 3:24 am


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