July 28th, 2010
Dear Houston: World Cup Hangover
What did you think about the World Cup, and now that it’s over, what’s a guy to do for a buzz before 10 a.m.?
Seriously? Let me drop a bomb on you: soccer is boring.
Sure, I had a fun time pretending like I cared about international soccer too and I hope I don’t offend your wanna-be-Euro sensibilities. You know very well that deep down the primary reason you got so giddy for the World Cup was that it gave you that twice-in-a-decade opportunity to walk around like you were in a special club, proudly sporting a false bravado, thinking you were part of “one of those things that outsiders just wouldn’t understand.” Well slow your roll, Mr. Freemason Mouseketeer, because now that you can’t go around with little flags painted on your face mouthing a vuvuzela and rooting for The Motherland, it’s time for a reality check: round these here parts, footballs aren’t kicked into nets, flopping gets you nowhere but benched and a score of 1-0 makes for a….well….it isn’t even possible. I hate to sound like a total stereotype here, but I’m the biggest city in Texas, so I’m afforded some leeway.
No offense to the Dynamo or anything. Dynamo games are a great way of tricking dates into thinking you’re well-rounded and willing to try new things without having to go to a ballet or something. But Steve, come late August, if the sound of a nearby marching band practicing at a local high school or the smell of freshly cut grass and slow-smoked barbecue doesn’t send you into pigskin frenzy, you may want to consider relocation (Seattle, perhaps, even though that guy’s always baked, or maybe New York, even though she’s a bit of a pretentious @#$^&#). Anyway, if you can’t hitch your wagon to a decent UH, Rice or Texans tailgate to get your pre-noon drunk on, then you need to ditch the B-grade soccer hooligans you pal around with in favor of real friends. Step your game up, Steve.
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