November 10th, 2010

Fancy Brews: Rich Bets for Poor Taste

You may have perused our ode to the other side of the brew-master’s craft—Go-To Brews: A High Salute to Low Standards recently. But what’s an honoring of the underbelly without a close examination of those that go over the top? If your brew breaks the bank during the internationally recognized happy hour time slot from 4-7, it had better be mighty tasty. Those beers that hide behind refined tradition and snooty airs but don’t pull through with a top-notch product aren’t safe from our wrath, so without further ado, it’s time to rock the beer boat a bit.

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Number-10
Paulener Hefe-Weisse
(aka: El Jefe, Gestapo, Paulette)

Tastes Like: The ant jacuzzi of syrup left in the microwave, dusty gas station beef jerky, radish, and thinking you’ve got the right-of-way when merging left on the Auto-bahn.

Best Paired With: Waffle fries, caviar spread cardboard and fried pickles, but only when you can’t dig that gnawed-on sausage-on-a-stick out of the garbage without the Constable seeing.

Likely to be Seen at: Any German themed festival in Texas, in any German themed restaurant or safely tucked in your AC service provider’s beard.

Unofficial Slogan: “Lustig amerikanischen, ist es das Steel Reserve von Deutschland.”

Number-9
Leinenkugel’s Sunset Wheat
(aka: Leinenkagel’s, ———— (Redacted), Swheat)

Tastes Like: Rusty pennies, a cold stone mortar and pestle, the fiber bar your dad left in the seat cushion of your car and dandelion thistle.

Best Paired With: Cheddar cheese, apple pie, deer sausage and rubber gloves. At the same time.

Likely to be Seen at: That “authentic” Oktoberfest your buddy throws every year that has yet to lure more than three guests, in your fridge, from two years ago when you thought you’d give it a try, only to save the remaining five for unwanted company (don’t waste the good beer on them).

Unofficial Slogan: “When the sun sets on normal standards-we’re still around.”

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Number-8
Grolsch
(aka: Gross, The Dutchman, Oscar the Grolsch)

Tastes Like: That stained mattress in Room 312 at the Super 8 on 45.

Best Paired With: A weak handshake and conversations that lead you to believe that Val Kilmer was a good Batman. A home-shopping mentality.

Likely to be Seen at: Novice art collector house parties, “slightly imperfect” bin at TJ Maxx. T-shirts from Target.

Unofficial Slogan: “There are two things that the Dutch do well: Grolsch is not one of them.”

Number-7
Amstel Light
(aka: Can’t-Tell Light, Amsterdamns, Hamsters)

Tastes Like: Toast, a worn out discolored pillow, your old four inch wide neck-ties, wooden handles and mediocrity.

Best Paired With: Alimony payments, Cheddar Fries from Sonic, cold eggs or a bacon milk-shake.

Likely to be Seen at: Movie screenings of Gung-Ho, the nearest suburban bar, or Biraporetti’s.

Unofficial Slogan: “Amstel Light: Is this really what you came to Amsterdam for?”

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Number-6
Heineken
(aka: Heinies, Hein Legs, Schmeineken)

Tastes Like: Selenium and the ancient grout keeping the Amsterdam Cathedral together.

Best Paired With: Raw red potatoes, Milka dark chocolates, leftovers of Ninfa’s queso flameado and lutefisk.

Likely to be Seen at: Your work’s happy hour, in the hands of your department’s residential ass-kiss, or at any restaurant being payed off by the Houston Distributing Company to have at least one import brew. Somehow it’s a staple.

Unofficial Slogan: “Holland’s inside joke on the US never gets old!”

Number-5
Shiner Smokehouse
(aka: Woody, Tarwater, Shiner Nicetries)

Tastes Like: That time you went on a spiritual journey in a tee-pee filled with wood smoke, or that time you ate a cigarette on a dare.

Best Paired With: Bbq opossum or fishsticks in a pinch.

Likely to be Seen at: Spoetzl Cult seances and “educated” NASCAR fan picnics. Robert Morris’ fridge.

Unofficial Slogan: “Surgeon General’s Warning: Product causes lung cancer, heart disease, emphysema and may complicate pregnancy.”

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Number-4
Beck’s
(aka: Perdedor, Green Bottles, Greenies)

Tastes Like: The water in Schlacte of Brehmen after a hearty night of drinking at the Biergärten, melba toast, the wind-shield wiper blade of a Mercedes taxi-cab, and a pewter spoon.

Best Paired With: Alphabet Soup, stromboli, Chesterfield cigerettes, or dark rye bread dipped in Nutella.

Likely to be Seen at: My dad’s 60th birthday party, happy hours across the city of Seidlingen after that Mercedes end-of-day whistle bloweth, or in the Harrison Ford movie pictured above.

Unofficial Slogan: “We should have stuck to two turntables and a microphone.”

Number-3
Michelob Ultra
(aka: Armstrong’s, Gatorade, Lobo’s)

Tastes Like: Watery Motrin, my kid’s snotty nose and run-off water from the I-45 over-pass that crosses Memorial Drive.

Best Paired With: Sweaty yoga pants, the P90x drinking game, rice cakes and a bike ride with Lance Armstrong.

Likely to be Seen at: Irish pubs that host social running clubs, college swim-meets and Tea’s fridge (that’s his weekday beer).

Unofficial Slogan: “The taste is not worth the calories not consumed.”

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Number-2
Budweiser Select
(aka: Budweiser Reject, Budwater, Anti-Beer)

Tastes Like: A weak pot of coffee made on yesterday’s grounds, a soggy Merrell after a day’s hike, and that last sip of backwash left in your bottle a’ Bud.

Best Paired With: McFish, gnochi, a portobello mushroom sandwich, or saltwater taffy.

Likely to be Seen at: Your buddy Fred’s house after pumpin’ the iron, Tupperware parties and Purgatory. Also, 7-11.

Unofficial Slogan: “If you really cared about the carbs or taste, you wouldn’t have eaten that McFish”

Number-1
Samuel Adam’s Blackberry Witbier/ Cherry Wheat
(aka: Pop, The Silly Patriot, Sarsaparilla)

Tastes Like: The way Yankee Candle Co. products smell. Old mulberry pie.

Best Paired With: A lack of self-respect. Please note: every time these liquids are consumed with traditional beer grub (steaks, burgers, strong cheeses, oysters etc.) a forefather punches a kitten angel.

Likely to be Seen at: Rice tailgates, soirees in Nantucket and stockpiled in the dumpsters behind liquor stores anywhere below the 40th Parallel.

Unofficial Slogan: “Making brewer patriots roll in their graves by adding jam flavors to beer.”

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Tea & Richard

— The Loop Scoop

Comments

Melanie — Wednesday, November 10, 2010 10:20 pm

Right on with the Shiner Smokehouse guys but I don’t agree with the Michelob Ultra…it’s not high class enough to make the list, maybe replace that with Ichibon?

ramy_v — Thursday, November 11, 2010 7:24 am

If Bud Select goes best with McFish, what should one serve (for a limited time only) with McRib?

pharmacy tech — Friday, November 12, 2010 12:33 am

Keep posting stuff like this i really like it

Richard — Friday, November 12, 2010 1:31 pm

For the McRib you’d probably want the Shiner Smokehouse, also for a limited time only.

Tea Jones — Friday, November 12, 2010 3:12 pm

A quality wine can also bring forth the complexities of the McRib. I recommend the 2007 Thunderbird. And a sidecar of Pepto Bismol.

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