March 31st, 2011

Final Four Field Guide: Virginia Commonwealth University

With all the fans coming into town this weekend for the Final Four, we realized that we needed to do what we could to help them out. Using some brash generalizations and stereotypes we’ve decided on a few places we could send the fans of Kentucky, Butler, Virgina Commonwealth and UConn. You’re welcome.

Virginia Commonwealth University

All you need to know: VCU sounds more like something you didn’t want to contract in college than an actual place of higher learning. The Rams hail from Richmond, VA, home of Patrick Henry’s cry of “Give me liberty, or give me death!” We’re pretty sure that if the Rams dial up a W against Butler, a team from the other side of the bracket will be more than happy to grant them the latter. However, if you’re not in these guys’ corner by now, you might not have a soul.

Where we’d send their fans in Houston:


Slipper Slopes
When that glass slipper breaks, the only place we’d trust with size 15’s is the Houston Shoe Hospital. Or, as most people have come to call it, “That One Place Near Goode’s BBQ With the Giant Neon Shoe Sign”. As for the broken hearts, we’ve got famous alumnus Patch Adams on call. As far as we’re concerned, you need a new pair of shoes altogether. Once you realize the glass slipper is beyond repair, try on some of Toms at Loop. They’re a quarter inch of rubber removed from being house shoes.

Home, Sweet Richmond
We don’t have founding fathers (or at least the one’s you guys are used to) , and we don’t really have discernible seasons, so Richmond Ave is the closest we can get you guys to home. No one thinks you belong, but you prove again and again that you’re a solid contender? Ruthie’s Place is a Houston bracket buster too. You both have grit and character and are one small piece from falling apart and getting bulldozed, but you’ve delivered thus far, and that’s why we love you.

Wacky Tobacky
Continuing on with brash generalizations, we know how much Virginians like them some ‘backy. The Rams may have a Virginia Slim chance of further lighting up opponents in The Dance, but we can at least point you in the direction of Marquis II, where smoking bans be damned! A last vestige of a forgotten way of nightlife, feel free to puff away. Houston may have tried to quit smoking, but we just can’t quit the Marquis, and we can’t quit the Rams.

Let’s face it, Rams fans, you’re the outsiders of this Final Four. Hell, you’re the outsiders of this entire tournament. If this were 2010 you would have been playing in the CBI. That gives you some commonalities with a culinary outcast of our own. One, Randy Rucker, escaped to the fecund fields of Tomball to start up his restaurant Bootsies. You might want to check it out. Alison Cook says it’s worth the trek and since you’ve come this far to Houston, hopping out to the distant burbs might not be too far out of your way on this Cinderella journey.

Go Rams!

— The Loop Scoop


No comments yet.

Add Your Comment