November 26th, 2010
Four Cents: A Guide to Dating Online
We hear that today, Black Friday, is the day that more people sign up for online dating than any other day of the year. We understand. You’re fresh off of that awkward day spent with your friends and family as they silently (or not-so-silently) question why you’re still single and when you’re finally going to give them some grandbabies, nieces/nephews or play-partners for their young’ns. You know what? Screw them. They don’t know you… But, the online world of would-be partners doesn’t know you yet either. Time to take the interwebz by storm.
The Skinny: Start off with a “wink” at your potential partner and just go from there. Who needs Facebook and their feeble, yet provacative, “poke” option. At least you know the people on the cutesy Zoosk are in-it-to-win-it. That “wink” is about as subtle as a punch to the junk.
The Fat: Seriously, starting up on a flirtatious note is no way to start at all. The wink button may as well say “would you do me?” Yes, yes I would, FitQueen69. You’re exactly my favorite blend of attractive and desperate.
Who to Expect to Meet: People that don’t really want to meet at all. This is basically touching a toe into the big pool of dating. Someone’s friend created a profile for them to get them used to the idea of dating people online. That’s all.
How You Will Explain You Met Them: At a bar. The terminology already matches up. What’s the difference between a wink in a crowded pub and online anyway?
The Skinny: Matches you with a patented Compatibility Matching System based on 29 Dimensions of Compatibility. They tout their high success rate. Come on, we’ve all seen their convincing TV commercials.
The Fat: If these are the people I’m supposedly compatible with, I’d rather stay single. Ok, that’s a bit harsh. It’s not so bad, but it does make you re-evaluate why the site matched you two up in the first place. However, I do personally know two couples who met on eHarmony and are now married. Maybe I just have bad luck.
Who to Expect to Meet: People who want to be in a relationship, but maybe just a bit…too…much. May I suggest setting up a Google Voice number so you can properly screen phone calls, and keep your real phone number from potential stalkers.
How You Will Explain You Met Them: Through a “friend of a friend”. Hey, their system supposedly knows you, right?
The Skinny:An exclusive place to meet people of your religion of preference? Why am I not surprised that JDate exists? Throw on your yarmulke, dust up on your Hebrew and take the website for a spin.
The Fat: JDate makes no hesitation in telling you that mission is to “ensure that Jewish traditions survive for generations to come” so don’t try to crash the party, Buddhists. Unless you’re a regular at a synagogue, you’ll have a harder time getting into JDate than Hollywood.
Who to Expect to Meet: Lots and lots of Jewish people. Tens of thousands daily, apparently. If you come across a gentile trying to wreck shit, report them to the authorities and get them ousted.
How You Will Explain You Met Them: You definitely met at Temple. Maybe at the Katz’ or some other New York Deli in town. Or maybe, you actually tell people that you met through JDate. I’m not sure. They won’t let me in.
The Skinny: So the Jews have their own dating website… What do the Pope and his cronies do? Why, they create catholicmatch, of course. As the only group of people that can compete with the Jews in the self-loathing, guilt-tripping department, it’s only natural that the Catholics try to shore up a piece of the online dating market as well.
The Fat: As a Catholic I can tell you it doesn’t get any easier to meet women than in the line for Communion. Actually, that’s a lie of the tallest order. Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. It makes sense that catholicmatch exists, but in the end, are you ready for the guilt trip the first time you miss the first Mass on a Day of Holy Obligation?
Who to Expect to Meet: Catholics. Big ones. Small ones. Sinning ones. Tall ones.
How You Will Explain You Met Them: The last time you were hanging out waiting for the Popemobile to pass you. The Christmas Mass when you were one of the Three Wise Men and he was playing the part of Donkey. Staring at the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel in reverence.
The Skinny: You done did it wrong… at least once. Now you have Herpes. The last thing you want to do is have to tell people that you have Herpes. There’s an easy way around that… Just date people you find on HDate since it’s out in the open already. Look at that screen cap above. Sweet and skeezy, just like I like it.
The Fat: Come on, people. With the Herp already in your system, what’s to say you don’t have any other Ds of a ST variety? Wrap it up. Jump in that time machine and throw a rubber into the equation. See? Now you’re not on HDate anymore.
Who to Expect to Meet: Herpy people. I know, I know, that’s crass. Get over it.
How You Will Explain You Met Them: Honestly, tell people that you met any way you want other than the website. You both know each other’s dirty little secret and that’s all that matters. You just found yourself a partner for life (and a person you can finally share your Valtrex prescription with).
The Skinny: AshleyMadison’s tagline is “Life is short. Have an affair.” Yup, that pretty much sums it up. They guarantee that you’ll have an affair within the first three months of membership or your money back!
The Fat: A website that, in my humble opinion, is set on ruining any chance of a normal relationship. A goldmine for divorce lawyers.
Who to Expect to Meet: People with low self esteem and lower inhibitions. Sex addicts. My ex-boyfriend.
How You Will Explain You Met Them: You probably won’t be doing much explaining since you’re hoping no one ever finds out your dirty little secret.
The Skinny: Finally, we arrive at the option that strips away all the other bullshit and just strikes the core of what the online dating community is all about. “Hey, you’re cute (or you’re a version of cute that’s up to get down). We should fuck.” Who needs to answer a bunch of questions about compatibility? The only thing that you need to know on AdultFriendFinder is if you have the right tool to find the right hole… or vice versa.
The Fat: You’re on your own, muchachos and muchachas. This is where I jump off the online dating train and tell my family and friends that I’ve never heard of AdultFriendFinder before.
Who to Expect to Meet: People. To. Fuck. Seriously, it’s that simple.
How You Will Explain You Met Them: You will never discuss this again. You will sneak your new “F Buddy” in and you will sneak them out. Your friends will never meet them, no matter how good the sex is. It’s not worth the chance that your sex addiction gets revealed.