November 19th, 2010
Four Cents: Four Loko, For Locos
We’ve been over this before: I like caffeine, alcohol and nicotine. It’s my triumvirate of awesomeness. I don’t feel like a man until I manage to get all three into my system on any given day. On average that happens at about 6:00PM on weekdays and 10:30AM on weekends. Well, that was until I discovered Four Loko. Now everyday my manhood is realized by 7:30AM.
Coffee shop mornings are old and busted. The new hotness is smoking a cigarette outside the convenience store after just having purchased a 23.5 ounce can of Watermelon Four Loko. The way the tar intertwines with the manufactured flavors of summer’s favorite fruit… It’s like the most beautiful ballroom waltz you’ve ever felt on your tongue – and believe me, I’ve had plenty of ballroom dances break out on my tastebuds.
For years I had been searching for a suitable morning drink. When Four Loko came around with their 12% alcohol by volume blend of unicorn tears and puppy barks, I knew that I had found my champion. Never had anything existed so tasty and satisfying since the time that my bottle of Jack Daniels accidentally opened and tipped itself carefully into a mug of piping hot coffee that I just happened to be drinking.
Now the world has flipped on its head. States are banning Four Loko and the FDA is issuing warning to the makers of alcoholic energy drinks, demanding that they stop combining the uppers and the downers. If the nectar of the gods may cause heart palpitations does that make it any less god-like? That’s a rhetorical question. Of course it doesn’t.
Let me tell you something. If the FDA bans Four Loko – and other drinks that mix the cool of alcohol and the hot of caffeine – they will be infringing on my freedom of speech. That’s right. I’m calling on the First Amendment to striketh down the potential ban. If the FDA so much as sniffs in the general direction of my heroes at Phusion Projects they will be stepping all over the Bill of Rights which protects my right to speak like a slurring chipmunk. I will have none of it.
We must stand together to fight this moral outrage; this depravity in ethics; this bullying by big government. If anything, the FDA should be supporting Four Loko and helping it reach the masses. We should be allowing our children, the generation that will one day put us into diapers and assisted living facilities, to experiment with caffeine and alcohol. If they discover it to be everything they hoped for, it will keep them from sticking thrice-used needles in their arms and hiding crack rocks under their tongues. That’s science!
With all this talk about the ban, Phusion Projects has made it their mission to eliminate caffeine, guarana and taurine from their drinks. What?! WHY?! Stand firm, grand heroes. Don’t be stiff-armed out of your mission of providing happiness to others. We will fight for you! We will shotgun two Four Lokos and take Capital Hill by storm. There will be no need for weapons. An army of energized drunks, champions of high-octane inebriation, on a mission to better the world through caffienated hooch should be enough to scare all the DC suits into making the right decision. The ONLY decision, in my opinion.
FDA, you better stop trying to drink my milkshake from way over there. Unless of course, my milkshake is a Four Loko float, in which case, have all you want. I’ll see you on the other side of Helium-voiced, slurred conversation.