May 31st, 2012

Free Press Summer Fest 101: Info for the Big Show

Let me be the 283rd to remind you that Free Press Summer Fest is this weekend. Let me (with no financial stake per FTC blogger disclosure guidelines) recommend that you go.

Go because:

- The weather forecast looks to be as nice as one could possibly hope for in Houston in June. This does not mean you should wear that fur hat you just bought. Swimsuits make more sense then do skinny-legged black jeans. Everyone will be shitfaced and sweaty, and you are probably not attractive enough to have to worry about your fashion statement in those conditions.

- Supporting what is our biggest musical festival could be seen as a civic duty, and since you probably failed to vote on Tuesday…

- Your only legitimate complaint about scheduling is that Willie and Snoop don’t play back-to-back. Talk about a roll-your-own-ad for NORML.

- Your friends will be there. For the 13-28 set: Avett Brothers and Young the Giant; 29-36: Flaming Lips, Pretty Lights, Fitz and The Tantrums; 37-45: Willie, Snoop, and Morris Day and the Motherfuckin’ Time; 46-57: there’s a new Creeper Tent this year, right next to the petting zoo. 58+: let’s respond to the amber alert and get you home.

What you should know:

- The Schedule: Build and print it. Or if you prefer a local copy on your Android phone (sorry iOs users, approval process took too long), there’s this.

- Parking: It’s a bear. If you’re hitting the after-party, park at Fitz and ride the Wave; Cabs and bikes are your friends. Much of the neighboring streets have PERMIT PARKING ONLY – not their first rodeo/4th of July/shit ton of people, so unless you think a $40 ticket is a reasonable trade-off for a parking spot…

- Take an EMPTY water container: liter bottle, camelback, mini-thermos, etc.

- Don’t freak out if your ticket says “Sunday, June 3”. There are NO single day tickets.

- No pets. (Westheimer Street Festival days are over, bro, so leave your snake “Lukatme” at home. If you are thinking of bringing your dog into this heat, please find a responsible owner to adopt him/her.)

- No coolers. Read the list of allowed/prohibited items at the bottom of this page.

- Your phone probably won’t work. Pick a time (or three times throughout the day) and place (just one) to meet up. The “beer tent” is not a clever choice.

- Sunscreen, YES. I’d tell you to put a second bottle in the fridge the night before, because that second application after a bottle sits in the sun feels like it’s doing more harm than good; but you’d probably forget you put it in there and not bring it. Mosquito spray, NO – I only say that because it increases the chances you’ll be bitten, and I won’t. (Did you know that elevated levels of uric acid attract mosquitos? Do try to aim better.)

On a Public Service Announcement level:

Beyond spinning in a circle, I won’t advocate non-alcoholic forms of mind altering (I may someday be appointed to a cabinet position and wouldn’t want to have to try to explain humor to a hearing full of tight-asses, and, no, that “possibility” wasn’t supposed to be the funny part.); however, as a wise man once said, “Alcohol is for JV. Pros take pharmaceuticals.” Interpret as you personally see fit, but I will remind you what your high school biology teacher told you: “Alcohol is a diuretic and will hasten your dehydration.” In other words, your beer to water ratio should be 1:3.


- There is only one Mills-McCoin. If you are challenged to indian wrestle a half-naked man who insists on absinthe shots between rounds, he’s probably authentic.

— Alexander


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