February 10th, 2011

Listomania: From V-Day to D-Day…10 Gifts That Could Bomb

Valentine’s Day is a lot of things to a lot of people. Whether you love to hate it or hate to love it, we can all agree that the art of the V-Day gift is a two-headed monster. One man’s box of mayo-filled candies, pink teddy bears and half-wilted roses is some poor sap’s treasure, but certain expressions of love are best left on the shelf…

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10.) Clothing, for her:
Guys, you know that hot little black dress on the rack at Target that you know she’d look smoking hot in? That’s actually a shirt. In the maternity section. Not cool. And ladies, just because Justin Bieber looks good in it certainly doesn’t indicate that your pudgy, balding WOW-addict hubbie will too. Consider that fair warning.

9.) “Something Creative”, for her:
Yeah, made this mistake once in college. Four old guys showed up in candy-striped suits and sang my girlfriend some old-timey love ballad. Sounded nice when I circled the service on the back page of the classifieds, but she just sat there in the middle of her Chem 2 mid-term trying not to cry. Some people just don’t appreciate the artistic value of a semi-nude interpretive dance solo. My advice? Mix tape.

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8.) Electronics, for him:
As much as he whines about not having the latest i-whatever or 1080p version of this or that, don’t go down this road. Trying to guess which version of which gadget he wanted is like playing unsolicited Marco Polo at the city pool while aggressively drunk. Opt for a gift card that forces him to hit pause on the Black Ops and make a trip to Best Buy to get the thing he really wants. We’re guys. We won’t mind.

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7.) Pets, for him:
Dudes love the animal kingdom. A picnic at the Houston Zoo gives us the chance to see a rhino fight a grizzly bear (how sweet would that be?!) or a chimp do things to a frog we haven’t seen since rush week ’02. However, dropping a fluffy little bundle of joy into our laps is like announcing that you’re late…and not for dinner reservations. But even a human baby doesn’t typically shed as much or chew your new Rainbow’s to shreds.

6.) Flowers, for her:
“But I want to go a traditional route and show her I care in the good ole fashioned way!” TRANSLATION: I’m unimaginative and found a baker’s dozen of some “exotic” flowers I’ve never seen before. There’s a fine line between traditional and lazy, and by the way, those are tulips, they’re plastic, and that funeral home you swiped them from is super pissed.

5.) “Something Progressive” (Read: “Trip to the Shooting Range”), for her:
If you really wanted to empower your ladyfriend by showing that you respect her competency to perform activities traditionally associated with manhood, you wouldn’t have chloroformed her and dressed her in black spandex and Lara Croft camo shorts, right Mr. Heston? As sexy as it is to see a lady wield a Glock 17 with reckless abandon, ease her into the deep end and start with a day of baiting her hook at the 61st Street Pier in Galveston.

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4.) Personal Training Sessions, for her:
Personal training is anything but. Getting the ball and chain a few sessions is just giving Chaz the opportunity to case out her glutes for an hour, doing stuff she could have figured out how to do surfing Youtube. Besides, no matter what your intent is with this boneheaded move, it’s still sending the message “Happy Valentine’s Day, Porky!”

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3.) Massage Appointment, for him:
Brett Favre’s advances were just another small step for #4, but it was one giant Lambeau Leap (backward) for dudes seeking the legendary Happy Ending. At the end of the day, you just get greased up and uncomfortably prodded by a stranger, and if your man really wanted that, he wouldn’t have given up Back Yard Wrestling.

2.) Anything from Zone D, for her:
You can fill your arms with edible drawers, Barry White-scented candles and lingerie that feels like a burlap sack from Houston’s sex staple Zone d’Erotica, or you could just purchase the love of your life some nice, glittery lotion and some undies with puppy dogs on them from Victoria’s Secret that she’ll actually wear. Drink from the right cup, Indie.

1.) A Star, for her:
Ever wondered what keeps you from printing up a Word document certificate that announces your purchase of Orion’s Belt or the Little Dipper? Nothing anyone will bother verifying. Although that seems like a beautiful thing, unless you’re in eighth grade or you’re buying her a fucking planet, this move is amateur hour.

— Tea Jones

Comments

Emily Kelley — Thursday, February 10, 2011 8:54 pm

I love this. Preach it brutha ;)

Tonia — Friday, February 11, 2011 1:06 am

I always try to do the electronics thing for him, but it never works out. A gift card is a must!

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