February 2nd, 2012

Listomania: Ten Names for the Houston UnStros

We can’t help but feel that Jim Crane has made a grave mistake. The old guard has hit the curb. It’s time for a new-look Astros to take over. Hell, who needs a just new look? We were looking for a new name. No better way to distance Houston baseball from its dismal, recent past than pretending like it didn’t exist.

With that in mind, The Loop Scoop was actually on the exploratory committee for the Houston Astros name change. Here are the top ten that we came up with before Crane ultimately turned us down.

The Oilers
We’ve all been waiting for Luv Ya Blue to come back to town. Now’s our chance. Sue the pants off of Bud Adams for the naming rights and get that familiar oil derrick on the new batting helmets. In fact, we can go full-blown retro and move the games back into the Astrodome (obviously renamed as the “Oilerdome” in this instance). Houston eliminates two black eyes with one broad stroke of the (attorney’s) paintbrush.

Houston Gushers
With a nod to Houston’s place atop the oil world the Gushers pays homage to the luv ya blue days without blatantly stealing the Oilers name, but that’s not the true genius behind the name. While Houston is definitely the oil capital of the world, we also hold another distinction that deserves to be recognized… The strip club mecca. And everyone knows that there’s bound to be a few gushers in the champagne room… Just watch g string divas. Add in a modernized Oil derrick logo and the double entendre is complete. Uncle Drayton and the Baylor Baptist can continue to root for the team, while the rest of the city will know the rub… Er… The real origin of the gushers

The Texans
We need a little Houston sports congruity. As the Texans start to become relevant in the NFL so shall the Texans of the MLB. We like the confusion it will cause among our new AL West counterparts as well. Why does Dallas-Fort Worth-Arlington get to claim that their team is for all of Texas? They already have “America’s Team” up there. They already tried to take over our town once, it’s time to fight back.

[Insert Mega Free Agent Name]s
Look, Crane, you already missed your opportunity to land the two biggest free agents of 2012. One of them had the perfect name for a team. The Houston Fielders has a pretty ring, don’t it. You can use the name of the team to your advantage. What prima donna All-Star wouldn’t want the entire team named after him. Now that we think about it, skip naming the team after a potential player, go ahead and name the team the Houston Scott Borases. Maybe you can win some favor and a bidding war or two with the uber-agent.

Not-Stros
Seriously, let’s forget the last five years ever happened.

Killer Bees
We all remember a kinder time around the Houston water cooler when the Killer B’s were on the loose. Bagwell, Biggio, Berkman, Bell, Berry: those were the days… Who cares if the name looks more fitting for a Little League outfit. Maybe that’s what we need? Houston could be the Joe Camel of the MLB. Enticing the young’uns to watch an outdated game with snazzy graphics and the promise of being cool.

The Rollbacks
Biz Wiz Jim Crane seems determined to make outings to Minute Maid Park the Wal-Mart of sports-watching experiences. You can find rebates for season ticket purchases on aisle 8 and nosebleed seats in the $5 bargain bin. Buy a club level seat, score yourself a free hot dog or two. There are even plans to allow fans to haul in outside food and beverage goodies, thus eliminating the need to shove Skittles and Pepsi down in the bottom of your lady friend’s purse until you clear security. Save money. Play Better.

The AK-47’s
Remember when the Astros were called the Colt .45s? Yeah, me neither. I had to call the grandfolks just to confirm. In honor of our city’s historical adulation of deadly weaponry, maybe it’s time to put a modern warfare spin on things. The AK-47’s? The Glock 17s? The Hollow Points? Get the NRA to sponsor the Coca-Cola boxes in the outfield, have your picture taken with the new mascot “Busta Cap” and badabing, you got yourself a game.

Houston All-Nudes
Some people don’t do well with subtlety. For you, I say let’s embrace our rep as the titty city (its better than the shitty city). Just think of the fun our fair city could have throwing our money at Houston’s All Nudes on the diamond and, with all the greed in the MLB today, wouldn’t it be nice to have some honesty, “we don’t like you, but we’ll pretend to as long as you’re dropping money” The promotional ideas are ripe for even the dullest bill veeck’s (Eddie Gaeddel anyone?). Cheerleaders that will come dance for you at your seat, dizzy bat races in stripper heels and champagne any time an all nude goes all the way. And of course, stripper nicknames for all the players… “Diamond, please make your way to the plate”. Not to mention everyone’s favorite, dollar night. I’d guarantee we’d have the most popular mascot in whatever league we’re in. Considering that Houston is a city of front-running fair-weather fans, the all nudes will give people a reason to attend games even if the team sucks… As a matter of fact, the team might draw better if they suck…

Houston Fatties (otherwise known as the “Mike and Mollies”)
I don’t know where Houston ranks on the list of fattest cities, but we’re pretty high on the list. While that isn’t necessarily something to be proud of, if we as a city can’t laugh at our prominence of girth, we’re in trouble. You can’t ignore the 800lb gorilla in the room, even if most Houstonians outweigh him. Besides, Milwaukee celebtrates Wisconsin’s propensity for drunks, so I think we’re in the clear to celebrate Houston’s sedentary lifestyle that’s contributing to the epidemic of lardassery.

— The Loop Scoop

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