December 20th, 2011

Listomania: The Hottest Holiday Gifts…That Don’t Necessarily Exist

There’s something perfect here for everyone on your list. So what if some of them aren’t what our psychiatrist lets us call “real things”? Necessity is the mother of invention, and we think we’ve identified some Yule-Tide go-to’s just clamoring for actual production. The next hot items. Tickle-Me Elmo/Furby hot. Others may exist, but could use the hype. Without further ado…


Card Swipers for the Bell Ringers
I always feel like a scrooge when I walk by the crimson-clad Salvation Army acolytes at Kroger and can’t offer them a damned thing. I carry cash approximately never in this day and age of information clouds and 3-D televisions. I throw anything smaller than a quarter in the trash, or suck it up into my vacuum cleaner when it falls out of my money pillow. Seriously, If Colorado Springs can do it, why not us?

Chances it Exists: 100%

Accu-Label App
I don’t care if the big wigs don’t think I can handle the truth that Dr. Pepper 10 tastes funny. I want transparency. With this phone application, simply take a photo of the product you are considering, and you’ll get the nitty-gritty low-down. For instance:

- Red Bull…it gives you wings…but also prostate cancer
- Tide To-Go Stain Pen…works well, but made from baby tears
- Campbell’s Thick & Chunky Soup…delicious, but will give you case of explosive McNabbs

Chances it Exists: 27.3%

GPS (Galleria Positioning System)
It never fails. As much as I avoid the Galleria, I’m always sucked into the vortex around Christmas and am methodically driven insane by screaming children and people doing that thing where they stop right in the middle of a crowded walkway to conversate. No number of soft pretzels can fix the dain bramage incurred from visiting that Bermuda Triangle. How ‘bout a cell phone application like Google Maps that would allow me to get in and out of the Galleria like a Yule Tide Navy Seal? Also dispenses Xanax.

Chances it Exists: 25%

Button-Activated Novelty from China

Particularly- Santa’s Outhouse. Made in China, where all wonderful things come from, this delightful mound of plastic springs to life at the slightest graze of its “Try Me!” button. The outhouse door cracks open and Santa peeps out, shouting a myriad of disturbing phrases like, “Can I get another ro-ho-ho-oll in here? Santa might be a while!” Finally, Christmas folklore explores the magic of Father Christmas’ BM’s. Thanks, China!

Chances it Exists: 100%

Day After Dignity Pill
A print-on-demand Joel Osteen dissertation from Aunt Martha wouldn’t bug you so much normally, but after a few too many e-noggs, graciousness and discretion are thrown out the window. Tearful demands of who exactly she thinks she is, and why she still holds the death of her cat against you start to seem ludicrous through the fog of an ice-pick-through-the-skull hangover. Assuming the Men-In-Black memory-removal sticks won’t be out til next holiday season, there should be a pill that just erases what you said/did.

Chances it Exists: <5%…Where you at, Pfizer?

Holiday Fatness Fund
Sarah McGlaughlin speaking over one of her inspirational tunes:

“Two quarters. Just 50 cents a day. That’s all it takes to purchase gelatinous, disgusting Americans like these (camera shows me adding spoonfuls of whipped cream to a piece of turkey) some misguided hope* that this will be the year that they get abs like they mythically ‘had in high school’. Hope, that for these people (camera pans to me biting the heads off of four snowmen cookies stacked on top of one another, also crying), is all too fleeting.”

*In this case, “hope” means exercise videos that will eventually be used as coasters and weird ab machines that will become a place to hang clothing.

Chances it Exists: 18%

Justin Bieber
Although this girl that is holding Santa’s nuts in a vice by threatening his pets seems like a bunny-boiling maniac, I like her style. Her nebulous demands for a pop-star that looks like Aunt Peggy after she decided she “didn’t need men” seemed confusing at first, but after looking into my heart, I’ve come to realize that it really has nothing to do with the gender-ambiguous little creatin- it’s about pursuing your dreams. Don’t stop Beliebing.

Chances it Exists: 100%, unfortunately

Fresh Balls
I think I’ll just let Dr. Frank Brooks fill you in…

Chances it Exists: 100 classy %

Key Finder Thingie
Thumb through SkyMall on any Southwest flight, and you’re likely to find a bevy of crap they find hoarders buried under when someone goes to their homes to investigate the dead body smell. But these little sound-emitting fobs are BRILLIANT. Also may work for babies, pets, remote controls, virginity, self-respect, senior citizens, Astros games, faith, control, viable Republican presidential candidates, jobs and all manner of things we tend to lose.

Chances it Exists: 100%…but some things are lost forever

Discerning Home Alarm System
Every time I lock my keys in my house, I don’t need Brinks to notify a SWAT team. All I want for Christmas is an alarm system that knows that it’s me trying to open the back window with a credit card. It would also be convenient if it deployed an assortment of angry animals and mace through the sprinkler system every time someone enters with the intent of putting another 7,000 coupon booklets in my mailbox.

Chances it Exists: <5%…for now.

— The Loop Scoop


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