December 14th, 2010
Listomania: The Top 10 Drinks That Make Bartenders Cringe
I can whine all I want about not getting my Old Fashioned fix at certain joints around town, but let’s face it- there are some drink orders that should never leave your lips. Here’s a rundown of 10 Drinks That Shall Not be Named.
Absolut Rasberry Martini at Anvil Bar & Refuge
No matter what Anvil is, was or will become to you, the one thing no one can take from them is the pride they take in making EVERY. SINGLE. DRINK. Ordering an Absolut anything at Anvil is like hiring a brain surgeon to mow your lawn. A bit of a waste, don’t you think? (But damn my grass looks good!)
Red Snappers at Hearsay
To the soundtrack of the latest crap Bruno Mars churned out, interwoven with pounding bass and electronica, you realize it’s up to you, hero, to appease a few maidens screaming “Let’s do SHOTS!” Whiskey? Too hard. B-52? Too soft. Red Snappers? Just right, for your current surroundings, Mr. Sorrentino, but not at Hearsay. Ever.
Well Rum and Coke at Anywhere (There is no good reason.)
You’re a grown-ass man/woman. Boone’s Farm Country Kwencher was fine in high school and then Rum-n-Coke’s had their heyday in college at places like Willy’s Pub and The Den. Every now and then you can still find Marc spiking a senior prom punchbowl or two, but it’s high time your well rum and Coke drink order grad-jee-ated.
Ever wonder why waiting for a Bloody Mary on a Saturday night is like watching two geriatrics play Jenga? Well, if your barkeep takes any pride in his or her Mary beyond pouring a mix over ice and the house vodka, they’re bloody tedious to make (see what I did there?). Tip heavy or save the Bloody Mary for brunch.
Bud Light at the Petrol Station
And it was said: “Thou shall not besmirch the good name of Station Petroliumus by uttering blasphemous callings for Budweiser products, let alone its lighter fare offspring. Station Petroliumus, countrymen, is an altar of fortitude for sumptuous craft/micro-brew offerings” —Socrates, The Bible
Let’s face it, ordering a Heineken usually only results from how fun the word is to say, not because anyone really thinks it’s a quality import. No one at Rudyard’s thinks your “Heineken Skywalker”, or “Don’t touch my Heini” quips are funny though. Promise.
Cosmopolitan at PJ’s
PJ, the owner of PJ’s (Go figure.), knows a few things well; how to cook a steak weighing in at over a pound, how to throw a karaoke party, and football. The man is an oracle amongst dive-bar aficionados. He knows little of web design and is clueless as to what a cosmopolitan is. I’m down with that.
Miller High Life at 8ight
You know those commercials where the jolly beer delivery guy goes around confiscating Miller High Life and redistributing it amongst those he deems worthy? Like a corpulent Robin Hood or a larceny-bent Santa? The guy made it to 8ight a looong time ago and yanked the product, so don’t ask.
Cabernet at The Maple Leaf Pub or Union Bar
Ordering the house cab at a Canadian sports bar is like dancing with your gramma at a wedding. You don’t really know where to put your hands, avoid eye contact the entire time and leave smelling like mothballs, gin and weird perfume. Ok, maybe it’s not quite like that, but can’t you just order a Molson when you watch the Blackhawks like everyone else?
Mojito at Kenneally’s Irish Pub
Off the top of my head, I really have no idea where mint is grown, but I’ll hazard a guess that it’s not Ireland. Even if it did hail from the Emerald Isle, Kenneally’s already punched their WTF Card with their pizza, so let’s keep those mojito orders close to the vest and not throw off the natural balance of the universe any further.