June 24th, 2011

Listomania: Top 10 Nuptial No-No’s

I recently got married. Hear that? That was the sound of a woeful, collective sigh from the thousands of Houston ladies that were waiting in the wings to be swept away on the magic yacht that is my love. Or something like that. Anyway, there are a few phrases that have been thrown my way in a weird, post-nuptial rite of bullshit that have failed to rock my matrimonial boat…

1.)“You’re a married man now- time to get fat! (hee-haw)!”

Big surprise, the person telling me this is in full sweats covered in evidence of daily bouts with Pink’s Pizza. His ass looks like two hippos fighting over a Milk Dud. Just because this guy wants me to join the ranks of other greasy, pot-bellied oracles, doesn’t mean it’s going to happen. Someone does have to eat all these damned wedding leftovers though…

2.)“I see how it is. Now that you’re a married man, you don’t want to hang out with your bro-tribe.”

The sad part about this little song and dance is that it’s usually one’s own bro-hams passive aggressively leading you around the floor. You know I’ve always hated phone conversations and have no qualms with the glory of text messaging. Nothing’s changed except your willingness to put down the controller, wipe the bong resin from your hands and respond.

3.)“Well there goes your sex life.”

Because it was so great when I was single. Trust me, my Belushi poster and collection of domestic beer bottles didn’t exactly have the females-a-flockin’. Now I get to play the odds by having a member of the gentler gender around a lot more often, so while you’re scratching tickets at Brixx, I’ll be playing with house money at the Bellagio.

4.)“Getting/got married? Congratulations and condolences!”

I’m sorry that A.) your marriage is a loveless, Ukrainian prison from which escape only means starvation and being eaten by wolves in a frosty hellscape, or B.) you can’t think of a less stereotypical way of greeting someone who has just shared an awesome moment with the person they love. Shame on your lack of canned greetings.

5.)“You may say you don’t want kids right now, but wait ‘til she ‘gets the itch’!”

Well I would hope that the meaningful (sober) conversation we had about finances, living situation and children less than a month ago would not be completely thrown out the window, all to fulfill some strange, inapplicable Rockwell fantasy. Besides, one trip a week to Target or Wal-Mart is the best birth control money can’t buy.

6.) “Half of all marriages end in divorce.”

Well half of all marriages should have never occurred in the first place. Sometimes when two 19-year-olds are living in their parents’ garage out in Katy, under the yoke of crippling debt with delusions of selling knives for a living, the D-word should be considered. At least before she ‘gets the itch’.

7.) “Just wait—chicks see that wedding ring and they’ll be all over you.”

Boy oh boy! Sure can’t wait to further ruin the sanctity of marriage, throw thousands of dollars down the drain and disappoint my family and friends by getting drunk at a happy hour and hooking up with a 22 year old secretary for a night of mediocre sex! Look at your life, look at your choices.

8.) “Might as well get rid of your Xbox/comic books/air hockey table/ home brewery.”

This is a fine line to walk my friends—a fine line to walk. The key? Balance. I know the old lady hates when I play NCAA on X-Box until my eyes bleed. However, she tends to hate it a little less when the dishes are done, laundry is folded and the dog has been marched down Richmond a few times. She’ll have to pry my mint-condition copy of Wolverine #1 from my cold, dead, Palmolived hands though.

9.)“Get ready for a comfort level that’s anything but.”

Not if I have anything to do with it. Even when I’m alone, I barricade the door with stacks of furniture and books when I go to the bathroom. I am not beyond having Brinks install an alarm system if my Home Alone tricks and traps fail to maim upon entry attempt. I might be mistaking my wife’s desire to be in the second bathroom at the same time that I am, but it’s a small price to pay for privacy while I shave my toes.

10.) “Cough up that credit card. Your money is no longer yours.”

Excellent. Looking at my online statement last month revealed that a disproportionate amount of my income is spent on booze, El Rey and ceramic dachshunds with angel wings wearing Texas flag hats (Exclusively at Stuckey’s). I need the balance. Besides, with this not being the 50’s and all, and her bringing in the bacon too, I might get to fulfill my calling of stay at home dad husband!

— Tea Jones

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