January 27th, 2011
Listomania: Top 10 Verbal Habits to Kick in 2011
I won’t rail on people for using trendy colloquialisms and kitschy, catch-all excuses. We all do it. They’re often just sign-of-the-times segues we use to fill gaps in conversation. However, there are a few verbal crutches that are just so withered, I’m making every effort to keep them out of my mouth in 2011. That’s what she said.
“That’s what she said.”
Sure, The Office is going to keep its primo timeslot on NBC, but let’s be honest, saying the show will be as good as ever after Steve Carell leaves is like saying your Uncle Stephanie is a man’s man. Let’s let this tired phrase ride into the sunset with Michael Scott. (Image via here.)
“I’ve got a work thing tonight.”
Really? If you’ve got this big thing that’s so important for you to attend, why are you just now bringing it up when I’m asking you on a date to Peppermint Park? Just tell me the truth- if it’s the gallon jugs of hand sanitizer and the cat hair that turns you off, well I am sooooo sooooorrrry I want clean pets!
“Go back to the drawing board.”
An excerpt from a letter I recently received from a children’s book publisher. You can imagine my frustration!):
Regretfully, we write to inform you that your book “Frosty the Snowman: SVU” is too graphic for the typical demographic we at [redacted] Books Inc. attempt to capture. As in letters 1-7, we invite you to go back to the drawing board and re-submit your work. However, please cease and desist sending photographs of [redacted] and [redacted] the Sizzler [redacted].
Regards, [redacted] Books Inc.
“It’s just business.”
Here’s a translation: “I’m a callous prick who is doing something that, deep down, I know is very personal and equally egregious, but I’m going to hide behind the dollah-dollah-bill, y’all.” Leave this one for Enron and the Mafia.
Quoting Anchor Man, Austin Powers, Napoleon Dynamite, etc.
The other day I overheard a co-worker shouting “You’re my boy, Blue!” Give it a rest already. Same thing goes for my soon-to-be-ex-girlfriend. Next time she hits me with an “I love you” or a “Could you please help me with the dishes?” I’m out of here. It’s one thing to want to cuddle, but it’s another to constantly give me some hackneyed crap you got from “The Notebook” or “Love Actually” or something. Sick.
“Think outside the box.”
I’m at work. This is the box. If you want me to come up with better ideas than making paper mache molds of my anatomy and branching into the prosthesis market, maybe this shooting star is burning a little too brightly for Circuit City.
“We’re in a recession!”
I know work is hard to find, but at this point, throwing the “R” word around just seems to empower the monster we’ve created. Part of me wonders what will happen when the media stops exacerbating fear and insecurity in the public dialogue. Time to crawl out of the bomb shelters, people, and find the opportunity in all this mess. Now will you buy me dinner?
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
Crazy thing is, most people use this phrase when the standoff at hand is spurred from a dispute over empirical fact- not opinion. It’s a passive aggressive flag that gets waved when one or both parties are too chicken to get the real truth from Wikipedia.
LOL, LMAO, ROFL, IMHO, STFU etc.
I get it. Texting me that you are ‘Rolling on the Floor Laughing’ isn’t exactly the safest thing to do while speeding down the onramp to I-45, but keep Internese and textisms out of your verbal repertoire. I mean, seriously, WTF?!
“It is what it is.”
Given, this little doozie is perfect for hedging your bets against your own ignorance when you’re too lazy or apathetic to explain yourself. EX: “What do you think about the latest election?” “It is what it is.” “You really shouldn’t eat that off the floor.” “It is what it is.” However, from here on out, I’m opting for the more existentialist “It is what it isn’t.”