February 14th, 2012

Listomania: Valentine’s Day Break-Up Spots

Admit it. You’ve already forgotten to wish your significant other a “Happy Valentine’s Day.” That’s not putting your best foot forward. Maybe you’re saving that foot to give the boot to the one that your promised to be together forever. There’s no shame in that. You just have to figure out how to give Cupid the snub and get on with your life. Find a good curb to kick your lover to. We’re right behind you… maybe.

Valentine’s Day Break-Up Spots (YOUR BEST BETS)

Bingo Night
“Here’s your marker, it’s shaped like a heart. Now let me break yours.”

Car Auction
“Don’t cause a scene or that 2001 Chevy Impala police cruiser could be yours.”

Abandoned Gas Station
Strike fear into his heart. It will distract him from it breaking.

Battleship Texas or Sam Houston Statue
“In the words of Sam Houston, ‘give me freedom or give me death’… wait, that’s not right. Anyway, here’s a roll of quarters to help you find a ride home.”

Expensive Restaurant
Only if you’re planning on pulling the bathroom window escape plan. Stick it to her one last time. Order two glasses of Johnny Walker Blue Label before bailing.

Haunted House
In February? If only… Screams would be equalized by the soccer moms’ screeching behind you.

Church
“Peace be with you… And, it’s over with you.”

Dub-Step Party
Wait for the drop and then drop her.

Also…
Planned Parenthood
Casino Floor
Murder Mystery Dinner

Valentine’s Day Break-Up Spots (AVOID AT ALL COSTS)

The Williams Tower
In fact, avoid any tall buildings, bridges or other places you might “accidentally” fall over the rail.

Smelting Factories
Refineries would be good to stay away from as well. Any place where your remains may be unidentifiable.

Deep Sea Fishing Trips
“Oh, your cold? Why don’t you snuggle up in this tarp while I play with this duct tape.”

Spelunking
“It’s dark in here… honey? HONEY?!” Lucky for you, there aren’t any caves in Houston.

Renaissance Festival
You’re lucky it doesn’t fall in February, but we can’t enforce this enough: Stay out of blade’s, mace’s, iron maiden’s reach.

Road Trips / Plane Flights / Cruise Ships
“I know you’re not the one, but could we just be cool for the next ten hours/days?”

Also…
Tantric Sex Retreat
Police Station
Her Sister’s Bedroom

— The Loop Scoop

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