December 9th, 2011
NEWScoop: Astros Can’t Escape Pujols, Neo-Napsters Strike, Stern Taketh Away, Atheists Want All 365 Days to Themselves, and I For One Welcome Our Chinese Overlords
Pujols Signs for 10 More Years of Embarrassing Astros
There were a lot of good things to come out of the baseball offseason if you counted something like finally getting away from Astros slayer Albert Pujols by moving to the AL West. Then what happens? That assh*le decides to make a move to the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim California Baseball Team just to eff with Houston for ten seasons. This had to factor into the front-office decision by the Angels: “Well, we’re guaranteed 15 wins a season against an inter-division opponent if we sign ‘The Machine.’ Let’s give him $254MM.” Visit Chron.com for more.
Neo-Napsters Strike; Music Piracy Gets a Brand New Spin
People who steal music from hard working millionaires are now showing a new way to terrorize the country. Instead of taking from the artists, they are now looking into a new revenue source: stealing the instruments. Four neo-Napsters were caught at a Houston music store trying to peddle stolen goods. Among them an entire string section and… a sword? Yes, if you look at the first frame of the accompanying video you will see they had a sword in their trunk. Hopefully they didn’t hold up the store they stole from at sword point. Visit Chron.com for more.
The League Giveth; The Commish Taketh Away
For those of you hoping to get an all-star center back in the paint of Toyota Center, David Stern has a message for you: Tough Friggen Cookies! A trade that would have sent Chris Paul to the Los Angeles Lakers and Pau Gasol to the Houston Rockets (although leaving them with a bit of skeleton roster after the fact) has been shot down by the NBA’s overlord. Visit KHOU for more.
I For One Welcome Our Future Chinese Overlords
If there was ever a time to get back to school, this is it. In a move that is surely to help prepare us for a life of involuntary servitude to our hammer and sickle masters, an HISD magnet school will be created for the sole purpose of teaching Mandarin and coaching loyalty as future subjects of the red empire. Visit MyFoxHouston for more.
Atheists Not Satisfied with 364 Days of the Year, Want Christmas Too
The debate over freedom of religion (or no religion at all) rages on as Athens, TX has been asked to remove its Christmas and other holiday decorations from the surroundings of the courthouse. Atheists are asking to erect a banner preaching no religion at all to be added to the current display. Apparently, having every other day of the year to display no religion at all isn’t good enough for the secular market. Fine, have Christmas too, heathens! Visit ABCLocal for more.