December 28th, 2011
NEWScoop: Burglar In Bars?, Banana Sex?, Pre-Bowlers?, Sweet Scoops? and Red or Black?
Criminal Behind Bars, But Not in a Good Way
A would-be burglar was unsuccessful in his attempt to break into a southeast Houston liquor store. Surveillance video clearly shows the wannabe thief trying to squeeze his body through the store’s burglar bars, but eventually giving up after realizing that he was a human and not a cartoon character. Failure. Gumby could have robbed that liquor store, no problem. Visit Click2Houston for more.
Okay Kids… This is a Banana
Texas teens will soon be made privy to the sneaky, clever ways that college kids manage to stay baby and STD free. Expanding public school sex ed to include these new fangled “contraceptives” may help decrease Texas’ elevated rate of teen pregnancy, but many still object to the new curriculum. While progressives are already stuffing student goodie bags with cherry scented Trojans, old schoolers are insistent that sexual anorexia is the only way to go. Visit Chron.com for more.
Pro-Bowlers or Pre-Schoolers
Arian Foster and Johnathan Joseph were the only Texans honored with an invitation to the Pro Bowl. Meanwhile, Cushing, Brown, Barwin and the entire city of Houston are left standing here, clutching a bunch of AFC South championship gear and asking, Why? Why?? I say we ban together and organize a city-wide temper tantrum. At 3:27 this afternoon, wherever you happen to be, throw yourself to the ground and start wailing “It’s so not FAIR!” This will solve nothing, but it just might make us all feel a bit better. Visit Chron.com for more.
I Like My Women Like My Food (and Airplanes): Fast
If you were begging for a change in the monotony of airport food options, you’re S.O.L. Hobby is adding a new option, but you’ve seen it before. Dunkin Donuts/Baskin Robbins will soon be filling your already stretched bell with more coffee and confections. I recommend stopping by Cinnabon, tossing a scoop from your choice of 31 one flavors on it and then finishing up the sweet masterpiece with a cake donut on top. It’s a surefire way to a heartattack at 23. Visit MyFoxHouston for more.
Always Bet on Black (or Maybe Red)
The Kroger on 11th Street in the Heights certainly isn’t the crown jewel of the grocery empire, and its reputation takes even more of a hit now that it was the location of an armored car robbery on Tuesday. The suspect is on the loose after exchanging gunfire with the car’s guards and escaping with the truck and the bounties of cash. But according to which news you read, you’re looking for a man in a red hoodie… no a black hoodie! There’s a hooded man out there that we must arrest. We should probably just bring in any person that owns such a garment of either color just to be on the safe side. Visit KHOU.com or MyFoxHouston for more.