September 16th, 2011
NEWScoop: Houstongate, Cocaine Lane, Future Cancer, Good Deeds, and Innocent Trees
Mayor Annise Parker’s opponent in the upcoming election, Dr. Kevin Simms, is apparently running on a “batshit crazy conspiracy” platform. He claims that two burglars, who he recognized as compatriots of the Mayor, broke into his campaign office to steal important documents that can help him defeat Parker. Fortunately for him, they couldn’t find the documents and instead stole a purse, just like real burglars would! When asked about her reaction to the accusations, the Mayor said, “I’m not even going to dignify that remark.”… Visit 39Online for more on this story.
Cocaine Lane Shut Down
There are two schools of thought when it comes to detecting the white powder. One requires the JCVD known for inhaling multiple freeways in a single hour. The other makes use of the German Shepherd. Van Damme is busy on Expendables 2. Conroe Police went with Numero Dos, el Alemán Perro. A decision that proved fruitful… Visit KHOU for more on this story.
Drought Motivates City to Further Alienate Future Cancer Patients
As the city continues to shrivel up with drought, Mayor Parker is considering a ban on smoking in the tinder boxes formerly known as Houston public parks. While scientific evidence has unequivocally proven that smoking looks cool, new research indicates that cigarettes could be potentially harmful to the health of dead and dying trees. The ban would provide protection to the thirsty foliage, as well as reiterate the fact that smokers shouldn’t be allowed in public, anyway… Visit KHOU for more.
No Good Deed Goes Unpunished
The Brothers Careless had intentions of making a supper feast for those kith closest to them. In their preparations, they left the open flames unattended in the driest of conditions. The grass went ablaze. Two alarms were pulled and firefighters rushed to the scene… Visit ABC13 for more on this story.
The Trees are Falling
Scammers, schemers, and cons are after your trees. Dead or alive—they’ll pull your property from underneath you with a pack of lies. Keep a vigilant eye on those that creep… Visit MyFoxHouston for more.