November 29th, 2011
NEWScoop: iPhone 5 Prototype, Black Eye Friday, MasturYating, Stuck in the Soot Slide, Cougars are Sell Outs
Coming Soon: iPhone 5 — Code Name “Fire”
Even with the iPhone 4S having just been released, the rumor mill is reaching fever pitch. Everyone is speculating on what the next generation Apple smartphone will be. One lucky Aussie got his hands on the prototype. Specs include: a bigger 4″ screen, retro, ergonomic back, new dual-core processor and it catches fire in case you’re captured and held hostage in a confined space… like, say, an airplane. Visit Chron.com for more.
Black Eye Friday
What could turn perfectly sane Walmart door-busters into crazed face-busters? I’m assuming it was a squabble over that $29.99 Blu-ray player. Or maybe the last Let’s Rock Elmo in town. Please don’t tell me it was over a pair of those socks with the individual toes… so not worth it. Here’s the bad news for this bargain brawler: punching a baby in the face pretty much guarantees you a spot on the naughty list. Visit Click2Houston for more.
Houston, Preparing to MasturYate
If you thought that there wasn’t a way the Texans could mess up their chances at a division title and playoff birth this year, you thought wrong. The top two quarterbacks have gone down and the depth chart is suddenly looking as shallow as Kubiak’s hair gel tub. We hope you’ve been brushing up on your armchair quarterbacking, because you might be called up to tryout any day now. Visit KHOU.com or Chron.com for more.
Santa – Reindeer – Magic Bag of Toys = Lubbock Man Stuck in Chimney
After locking himself and his family out of the house, a panhandle man decided to slither down the chimney to save the day. Turns out, without a little Christmas magic, dropping in through the soot slide is a little more difficult. It took a 911 call and an hour or two to retrieve the man. And he didn’t even have cookies and milk waiting for him once he got inside. Visit KHOU.com for more.
The Houston Cougars are Sell Outs
You heard me correctly. The Coogs are sell outs. They’ve jumped the shark. They’re only doing it for the money, glory and fame. Everybody loves a winner? You’re damn right. Things were so much easier before: Getting tickets, sneaking beers in the game, having your blasphemous berates heard by opposing players… You might as well start calling them the University of Houston Coldplays. Visit Abc13 for more.