January 20th, 2012

NEWScoop: Parker Pro-Marriage, Man Sells Ass, Rivers Run Red with Blood, Orangutan Adoption and Railway Sting

News that Will Surprise Exactly Nobody: Parker Supports Gay Marriage
Say what? We elected Houston’s first openly gay mayor in Annise Parker AND now she’s showing support for same-sex marriages. Stop pulling my leg you dirty dog. Visit Chron.com for more.

Man Tries to Sell Ass, Arrested for Not Prostitution
The international sex trade is nothing to ignore, but a British man is incarcerated for trying to sell ass of a different variety. He found himself in possession of a “buttock” of Sadam Hussein… a piece of a statue he salvaged when the emperor (and his visage) was toppled. Ultimately, he took to the market to find a bidder for his booty of booty. That’s where things ended for our budding entrepreneur. Visit Chron.com for more.

Texas Meatpacking Company Triest to Recreate Exodus
Columbia Packing Company is being investigated for trying to bring the first plague of Egypt to the Trinity River. After a tip, officials raided the company and found that they may have been leaking pig blood and other chemicals into the backyard stream that flows immediately into the Trinity. Visit KHOU for more.

Cheyenne: The Angelina Jolie of Orangutans
After being rejected by her mother, Aurora the baby orangutan has been adopted by another adult female in the Houston Zoo. Apparently, this is the second baby that Cheyenne has adopted as her own. That’s just wild. Visit KTRK for more.

Warning: Vehicle Stops at all Railroad Crossings
Just gotta beat the train, huh? Not so fast, my friend. State troopers and Union Pacific collaborated to sting Houstonians trying to do just that. Those blinky lights mean “stop”, people, not speed the eff up. Visit KHOU for more.

— Paul

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