March 14th, 2012

NEWScoop: Sixth Strike You’re Out, Palm Pilots, Stem Cells for Profit, INS Gets Humane and Lying Lawyers… No Way

Sixth Time’s the Charm
Swerving and braking and general vehicular recklessness will get you pulled over ever time, buddy. Fail that sobriety test and you’re looking at a DUI. Fortunately for you, our state believes in the power of second (third, fourth, and fifth) chances. But enough’s enough. Visit Click2Houston for more.

Who Ya Gonna Call?
Never text while driving. Don’t chatter while you’re cruising through a school zone. No conversation is worth the risk. But the dangers of cell-phoning while shopping may come as a shock to some. As thieves snatch precious phones right out of distracted mall patrons’ hands, victims are left wondering, “how do I call the cops without my phone?” That’s a damn good question, victims. Visit Click2Houston for more.

Celltex Sells Cells
A Houston stem cell bank, Celltex, is under investigation by the FDA due to allegations of injecting patients for profits. Companies looking to score a quick buck by promising super hero healing abilities are hereby put on notice. But relax. Governor Perry was Celltex’s first customer and it doesn’t take more than a glance at him to know that lab-created mighty mutants are still a long way off. Visit Chron.com for more.

INS Somewhat Humane to People They Consider Inhuman
U.S. Immigration is now offering upgraded lodgings in Texas for INS detainees. Fewer bed lice! At least one bathroom per fifty people! And suites? Sweet! Watch some cable or play some soccer while awaiting deportation back to the country you fled in search of a better life. Visit Chron.com for more.

Lawyers are Liars? Say Whaaaaaaaaaaa?!
Well, not all lawyers… But, those pretending to be attorneys have been a fixation in the Harris County Courthouse and now they’re being unmasked for what they truly are: Thieves. Turns out some people have been posing as immigration lawyers and stealing money from people they portend to help. Watch out for your local dentist as well. Visit MyFoxHouston for more.

— The Loop Scoop

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