January 12th, 2011
Of Football and Folly: The Texans’ Worst Moments
With the wild card round of the NFL playoffs under our collective belt, Marc and Paul (with the help of a former Fourth and Fifty author) decided to take a look at what went wrong during the 2010 campaign of the Houston Texans. Their assessment: A lot. They broke down the errors, misfortunes and all around dumbassery that plagued Houston’s football team into a list of ten “favorites.”
10] Johnson/Finnegan Brawl
It’s hard to say that this fight belongs on the worst list for 2010, but if you’re of delicate sensibilities, you probably didn’t enjoy seeing Cortland Finnegan’s face turn into a pin cushion for Andre Johnson’s fist. The standing ovation was warranted. The lack of suspension equally so. But I think seeing this blood-thirsty side of #80 was a wee bit scary.
9] Cushing the Roid Freak
The Texans didn’t even have to play a down for the 2010 season to be a disappointment. Cushing had his Rookie of the Year honors revoked (and then reinstated) for a brush with the dark side of the locker room. While we all assumed the man was juicing before his first game with Houston, it was still an embarrassment to have our worst fears realized during the off season in May.
8] Tim Tebow’s Coming Out Party
Seriously, this guy didn’t need anymore time in the sun. With Denver imploding, it made sense that Tebow would finally find his way under center. It could have been the first and last time we had to hear him glorified by the NFL media… Unfortunately for Texans fans (and NFL fans in general), we let the man win his game, which spawned a un-deserving documentary just a few weeks later on ESPN.
7] Comeback Win Loss Against Jets
The Houston Texans scored 20 unanswered points in the second half to lead the game by four with 55 seconds remaining. Themz a lot of numbers, but they definitely meant a victory… right? Wrong! Once the defense took the field Mark Sanchez feasted like a hobo at Golden Corral. He finished off a 45 second drive, abusing the Texans through the air, with a pass to Super Bowl golden boy, Santonio Holmes.
6] Brown the Roid Freak
What’s worse than one player suspended for steroids? The obvious answer is “two.” Just a couple games into the season, starting left tackle, Duane Brown, found himself at the mercy of the NFL overlords by testing positive for a banned substance. You all saw “The Blind Side,” right? Turns out the left tackle position is pretty important to the offensive line. So important that it warranted Brown juicing up? Maybe. No.
5] Loss to Big D
The Cowboys were the laughing stock of the league through the first half of the 2010 season. Turns out, the only win that fatty Wade Phillips could muster on his coaching resume for the year was against the Texans. We were cautiously pysched about the game. That didn’t matter, though. The Texans choked away three quarters of football before they finally scored a touchdown. We did get something out of the deal though… Wade Phillips is our new Defensive Coordinator. Time to get excited, fans. *psssst* Not really.
4] Comeback Win Loss Against Ravens
A 21-point comeback to send the game into overtime: Including ridiculous catches by Jacoby Jones and Andre Johnson to tie the game up with a touchdown and 2-point conversion respectively. Come on, really?! The Ravens defense was completely gassed. The Texans had taken them behind the woodshed for the final two quarters of the game. All Schaub had to do was not throw the ball into the hands of Josh Wilson. Did you really expect it to end any other way?
3] Keeping Kubiak
In a day and age where Rex Ryan gives the media a sparkling sound byte every week, Houston is graced with Mr. Personality himself, Gary Kubiak. Sure, he knows football and you can’t argue that he’s been phenomenal as an offensive coordinator during his career, but he hasn’t been able to translate that knowledge into success for the Texans as a head coach. The NFL is a “what have you done for me lately” business, and unfortunately, I don’t think Kubiak has done enough for the City of Houston or it’s football team to warrant him coming back next season. What makes matters worse is the Baron of Bland managed to get everybody’s hopes up by going 9-7 in 2009. Here’s hoping he goes out an develops a foot fetish during the offseason. Yummy!
2] Hail Mary, Full of Jaguar Disgrace
You know when a team is really bad? When they find cruel new ways to lose. That torture as a fan is unbearable. Just ask the Cubs! Bartman still can’t show his face in public. Of course, the Texans shocked us all by losing to Jacksonville on a Hail Mary pass at the end of regulation. Most Hail Marys are freak plays, but I’ve never seen one where the defender was in such good position and did exactly what he was supposed to do: knock the ball down. It was a textbook play until the ball ended up in Mike Thomas’ hands. Kubiak summed it up perfectly when he said, “it is just sad.” The worst part is that, a la Bartman, Texan’s fans have had to watch the replay over and over as part of all of the end of year highlights. Salt, meet wound.
1] Beating the Colts on Opening Day
How can a win be the worst moment of 2010? Let me tell you, friends. The Texans made us believe. They trounced all over our divisional nemesis, Colts (not that any other team in our division hasn’t [italic] been our nemesis as well). Adrian Foster, an undrafted running back, bent the defending AFC champs over his knee and gave them the spanking of their lives. Everything looked golden. Then another win. And after a brief hiccup, two more wins. The Texans had started the year 4-1 and Houston didn’t have a care in the world. We had the leading rusher in the land. Our quarterback finally looked competent. A stud stood in the wide receiver spot just as he always had. Then the bottom fell out. Two, four-game losing streaks. TWO!
On a side note: You know what? Screw ESPN for always having the Texans show up on the “In the Hunt” list when it comes to the wildcard seeds at the end of the year when they’re 5-7 with four games left. That’s the last thing I want to see. We all know it’s not going to happen. It’s just adding insult to injury.