December 25th, 2010
Playing Santa Claus
We’re all about the Christmas spirit around here. It’s not so much what you get under the tree, but what you wrap up in goofy snowflake and dove paper and give to others. In that vein, we decided that since Houston has been so good to us over the last year that it was time to return the favor. Last night we snuck into the homes of our friends in the name of trespassing Saint Nick. Here’s what we left under the tree.
To: Monica Pope
A Marcus Samuelsson Voodoo doll… Or a crowbar to take out his knees… Or just a pin to pop his ego. Whatever works.
To: The Astros
A new franchise player you can either trade away, force into retirement or lose to arbitration… Preferably, the best case scenario lands that player inside the National League, but hopefully in the Central Division.
To: La Carafe
A credit card machine. It’s time.
To: Bush Intercontinental
A body scanner. So you can invade my personal space and civil rights… Oh, wait. They have a couple of them already. Santa dun come early.
To: Waldo’s Coffee Shop
A license to serve alcohol. Zelko Bistro is only a block or two away and they’re able to serve. When you play host to so many kitschy musicians, not having that all-important ear lubricant is an outrage, and no, I don’t want to pay $5 to bring a cooler of my own reserve.
To: The Houston Fashion Police
Some backbone. There are a few rules being broken out there that need to be enforced. We’ll get to Ed Hardy and fat people in skinny jeans later, but for now, how about telling Houstonians that a 70 degree Christmas does not scarf and mitten weather make.
To: Gary Kubiak
A new job. You’re a nice guy and all, but a nine-win ceiling is really cramping our style. When we’re ready to tuck into some Christmas goose, we’ll be hoping yours is cooked.
To: Houston Food Trucks
Some hearty kudos. You could have sat around while Austin bagged all of the street food honors, but you took to the streets with tacos, burgers and macaroni topped with pulled pork and changed the game for good.
To: Antidote Coffee
A big thank you. Not just for using goat’s milk in coffee and having decaf espresso, but for putting up with our loitering asses! A great many ideas, some good and some…well…not quite as good, have emerged from under your awning.
To: Houston METRO
A year’s supply of driving lessons. Yes, you’re that bad.
To: City of Houston Budget Committee
A calculator. Apparently, math isn’t your strong suit.
Coal. Not because you’ve been bad, but because you need to learn how to manage a proper fire. Resorting to burning down your own place in the name of warmth isn’t the right way.
What gifts are you giving this year? Leave them in the comments.