October 20th, 2010

Protesting 101 for Sheeple

There is nothing like a good fear-mongering commercial to get the blood flowing. After seeing all of the anti-Rick Perry and anti-Bill White advertisements, along with the back and forth between Houstonians over Proposition 1, I think it’s time for a change. All of this bickering over what some consider “important” issues is just too much. We need a protest to end all protests. A protest of nothing and everything all at the same time.

Most of this anger comes from the apparent need to be for or against some random issue. Sure it’s the Governors race and I’m happy to refer to Perry as “Governor Good Hair” and “He Who Made Our State Lame” but at the same time, supporting White instead is like shooting a gimp horse in the ass. Now you’ve got a gimp horse with an extra bullet hole.

To be quite honest, I’m surprised the anti-Perry ads haven’t used attacks such as “Ricky Perry Feeds on Your Children” or “Did You Have a Bad Day at Work? It’s Perry’s Fault”. The potential anti-White ads are just as intriguing; “Bill White Not Only Profited from Ike, He Conjured the Storm Himself” or “Do You Want a Governor Who Doesn’t Use a Bottle of Hairspray Every Morning? Bill White is Your Man”.


Why are you protesting, people? Do you even know? Just because some PAC told you to grab a sign and choose a picket line doesn’t make it the right thing to do. In fact, there are much more important things to worry about than these:

Dumb Politically Posturing Protests
Ashby High Rise — Yeah, urban density sucks. News flash: We live in the 4th largest city in the USA.
Proposition 1 — I don’t understand why people are so passionate about this, it’s just water.
Heights Wal-Mart — Who needs cheap stuff? Certainly not the Heights, they’re holding out for Whole Foods.
Proposition 3 — Red light cameras are important because apparently they can reach out and stop someone from running a red. I say we vote for spike strips.
HEB in Montrose — A grocery store on stilts? Maybe in Galveston folks.

Ever perused SkyMall while sitting on an airplane? There’s something that needs to be bickered over. An avocado slicer, really? Way to make one of the easiest things on the planet more difficult (not to mention more expensive). Get your flaming torches and pitchforks folks, we’ve got a witch [pit] hunt to start:

Real Issues that need Protests
Avocado Slicers — This might be the most useless utility on the face of the planet. We need to stand up to the mongrels who woke up one morning and decided the knife was not sufficient to slice an avocado.
Decaffeinated Coffee — I don’t even know where to start. This is like taking the orgasm out of sex. Kraft Foods has absorbed the brand that originally distributed this demonic plague and there are ties to Philip Morris… See, we’re uncovering conspiracies here!
Daylight Savings Time — If this doesn’t make you want to punch a wall, I don’t know what will. Arizona and Hawaii have the right idea, we need to take back our time. “Fall Back”?! Forget that noise. I like the sun being out when I come home from work.
Hippies — What has flower power done for you? Grow weeds (or weed depending on your state), that’s what. We need to quash love-ins and every single ever released by The 5th Dimension with an iron fist.

Now is the time to stand up for what we believe in! A world without single use utensils and coffee that serves no purpose. Will you stand with me or are you going to sit on the sidelines, protesting your “real” issues?

This guy has the right idea:

— Stephan


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