January 23rd, 2012

Rants from the Rat Race: Client Relations

Dear applicant:

After careful review of your resume and application for the recently posted managerial position, we are writing to inform you that we will be moving in another direction with our selection. To increase your chances of advancing your position title in the future, please review the skill strengthening points below:

- Client relations

We appreciate your interest in the position, and invite you to apply again in the future should similar opportunities arise.

Warmest regards,
Human Resources Dept.




Let’s cut the shit here. You had a great opportunity to really wow some potential clients, and to say that you didn’t exactly “grab the bull by the horns” would be a gross understatement. Please review the following points of contention that have led us to deny your application for the managerial position:

- Quit wearing brown shoes with black pants. Typically that wouldn’t be that big of deal, but when you refuse to wear dress socks, the white cotton really makes it an eyesore.

- When we got to the restaurant, slipping the hostess a wadded up five dollar bill was completely unnecessary. There was no wait, and even if there had been- nevermind, just forget it.

- The “joke” you used as an icebreaker lacked a discernible punch line, the delivery was downright spastic, and the term “Oriental” should really only be used to describe rugs. Thankfully, our honored guests from the United Arab Emirates had a marginal grasp on the English language, and we were able to have their translator curb some of what came across as racism.

- We understand that “a little lubrication can help people loosen up” (your words, not ours), but taking all five Vegas bombs when our guests politely declined your offer was inappropriate for an 11 a.m. business lunch at Jason’s Deli. Do you always carry peach scnapps on your person during work hours?

- Showing photos of the family is not as big of a tradition in the United States as you made it out to be, especially when said photos involve so much nudity. Your personal life is your own business, but we think that the appropriate age for bathing your children in the same tub has passed. Also, referring to someone’s wife as a “broad” or daughter as “a hot piece of ace” is unacceptable despite what your friend Jimmy told you about “what flies in foreign countries” (once again, your words, not ours).

- A grown man shouldn’t load his plate with macaroni salad, croutons and those little gingerbread muffins at the salad bar. (Which is not free, by the way) Eating said items with a spoon did not reflect age-appropriate brain function or motor skills.

- Preparing to leave and saying your goodbyes with a bow is typically something that is done with business associates in a few Asian countries. The gentlemen we were treating to lunch were from the Middle East, not the Far East, which further entrenched the confusion about your awkward body movements and ill-placed questions about Buddhism.

Please, for the love of God, never apply for another position besides the one we have graciously allowed you to keep despite your atrocious shortcomings. If you have any questions or comments, keep them to yourself.

Warmest regards,
Human Resources Dept.

— Tea Jones


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