June 4th, 2012

Rants from the Rat-Race: Do Not Reply

Rants from the Rate Race: Do Not Reply

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Out of Office Auto-Reply
From: KerriF@ratrace.com

Thank you for your email. I will be out of office from June 4th – 8th. I will not have access to company email during this time. I will respond to your message upon my return on June 11 th. If you require an immediate response, please feel free to contact me via my personal email kerri@gmail.com. Thank you for your understanding.

Best regards,
Kerri

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Out of Office Auto-Reply
From: kerri@gmail.com

Thanks for your email. As you have chosen to contact me via my personal email, I trust that the subject matter of your message is essential as well as time sensitive. It is essential, right? Please re-examine the subject and content of your email and decide if this is truly an urgent matter. If so, you can contact me via my actual personal email kerri.needs.a.vacation@yahoo.com.

Regards,
Kerri

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Out of Office Auto-Reply
From: kerri.needs.a.vacation@yahoo.com

Persistent, aren’t you? But I need you to think about what you’re doing. I mean, this is my vacation. My one brief reprieve from the hum-drum monotony of dealing with people like you every day of my increasingly frustrated life. Not that you’re a bad person, oh mighty and loyal client. I assure you that I appreciate your business and value our professional relationship. If you feel likewise, I trust that you will ignore the option to contact me at my super top-secret personal email gal.with.OCD.clients@hotmail.com.

Elusively Yours,
Kerri

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Out of Office Auto-Reply
From: gal.with.OCD.clients@hotmail.com

Per Webster’s Dictionary:
Bother
1. To annoy especially by petty provocation
2. To intrude upon
Synonyms: irk, pester, harass, perturb
Stubborn
1. Unreasonable or perversely unyielding
2. take.an.effing.hint@comcast.net

Have you no pity?
Kerri

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Out of Office Auto-Reply
From: take.an.effing.hint@comcast.net

You don’t know me. Just because we’ve exchanged hundreds of emails over the past few years, don’t think that you are somehow entitled to even the slightest level of intimate information about me. I could be at a lesbian leadership training camp for all you know. Or a silent Zen Buddhist retreat where all forms of e-communication are considered assaults on the quest for personal enlightenment. I could be suffering through a distant cousin’s wedding in friggin’ Cleveland, for God’s sake. And wouldn’t you feel awfully wretched if you were to tear me away from any one of those dream getaways, just to deal with your petty little business issue? If not, if you are truly sans soul and compassion, you can annoy me at i.own.semi-automatic.weapons@aol.com.

Seriously?
Kerri

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Out of Office Auto-Reply
From: i.own.semi-automatic.weapons@aol.com

Congratulations! You’ve reached the end of this little corporate contact scavenger hunt. Your determination has proven you to be a worthy and competent professional colleague. Thank you for your inspiring devotion. You can contact my boss at JohnM@ratrace.com and tell him I quit.

All thanks to you,
Kerri

— Kerri

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