January 3rd, 2012

Rants from the Rat-Race: Hung Out to Dry

When I walked out of the bathroom, I crossed paths with the VP of something I don’t really understand. Business stuff. To avoid these encounters, I usually like to avert my eyes and scurry back to my office like my rescue dog when I tease it with a toy train whistle.

But today there was no dodging this important man who smelled much better than I do and makes enough money to purchase the rights to punch me in the face. My mind immediately jolted to my most glaring weakness…I hadn’t fully dried my hands. There had been plenty of paper towels at my disposal, but I had foolishly just shaken them off before exiting.

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He gripped my hand firmly as we greeted one another. I began to fidget and ask loudly about his children. Brenda in accounting would later say that I was “shouting” and that Mr. Peterson didn’t have kids, but I was just doing whatever I could to divert attention from my error. Brenda also says that I shouldn’t worry about such things and concentrate on shaving more frequently and buttoning my shirt more accurately, but I was dwelling on it as I played Word Mole in preparation for my lunch break. Brenda just doesn’t understand the tactics of the corporate scene.

What would Mr. Peterson assume of me? That I had peed all over myself? That I had been playing in the toilet, making more prison wine, or that I had forgotten to apply my special deodorant to my palms and behind my knees again?

These are exactly the kinds of things that keep people from getting promotions. :(

— Tea Jones

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