February 13th, 2012
Rants from the Rat-Race: Requiem for a Drip
With great sadness I report to you the passing of a great friend and co-worker, Mr. Coffee. It comes as a shock to all of us. Indeed, just yesterday he was with us in the office lending a helping handle to anyone in need. This morning, Bobby Bowdine found our loyal aide unresponsive in the kitchen. After multiple attempts at resuscitation, we finally decided to pull the plug at 8:09AM.
At times, Mr. Coffee was divisive among the staff. Many of you complained that his perpetual presence in the break room was a distraction and lead to lost productivity. Some of you complained about his unhealthy lifestyle, even going so far as to blame him for smoke breaks and multiple restroom trips. But, as his earthly presence passes to the heavens, we look back with nothing but a fond gaze.
Mr. Coffee was always here for each and every one of us. He was low maintenance and offered a high yield. The perkiness that he bestowed onto us will be sorely missed; his warmth, even more so.
Funeral services have not been scheduled. In lieu of flowers, please consider making a donation (Bobby will be coming around your offices collecting funds). Grief counselors will be on hand all day and there is still Sanka available in the top right cabinet. Recommendations are being taken for Mr. Coffee’s replacement.
My sincere condolences,