December 19th, 2011

Rants from the Rat Race: Secret Santa

“So sorry, Nick from Accounting, but there are starving diabetics that would love to roll the dice on that toffee tin, and Paula, everyone your age is supposed to like Star Trek, so find a way to make the damned bra fit.”

Do you ever find yourself in one of these awkward, Secret Santa moments? Having to defend a thoughtful purchase to a perfect stranger who claims he has worked in the cubicle next to you for six years? That he participated in the three-legged race with you at the annual picnic when your wife was too drunk? Who is that guy? Well then this new and improved version of the old classic may be for you! I call it…EXPLICIT SANTA! (Because “Explicit” is sort of the opposite of “Secret”, that’s why!)


Here are the rules:

1.) Each participant draws a name from a paper cup or festive, felt Santa hat. But surprise! There are also thumbtacks, a peppermint and an old phone charger I found in there! If you draw the phone charger, you can keep it and draw again, but joke’s on you if you draw the mint. While you may be thinking “Wow! A delicious treat!” you should really be very upset. (Drawing the mint means you do not get a gift. Also, it is just a piece of soap I put in a gum wrapper.)

2.) Upon drawing a name, each participant must walk up to the person whose name they have drawn and ask them what they want ($20 or less). The participant who is asking must do so in another language in an “outside voice”, and the person being asked has 15 minutes to solve this fun and exciting riddle.

3.) If the time limit expires, the gifter is in no way financially, legally, morally, sexually or socially obligated to purchase the other person anything, unless:

a. The giftee submits a formal, hand-written apology

b. The giftee forgives the gifter for something (Preferably that time Dave let me borrow his lawnmower and that weird stuff went down)

c. The giftee eats something out of the trash

4.) If the giftee responds with a gift idea, or reclaims the right to a gift through the above means, there are three strategies that the gifter can engage in:

a. Gifter can purchase a less expensive version of item from this guy Jerry I know

b. Gifter can purchase said item for themselves and let giftee borrow it sometime

c. Gifter can give giftee Golden Corral gift card with remaining balance of $12.73 and tell giftee that Amazon or mail people lost the order (Recommended.)

Everyone is a winner! The fun and excitement Explicit Santa provides will certainly be the best gift you can give a loved one or an office companion this holiday season!

Explicit Santa is in no way responsible for property damage, physical brutality, inappropriate sexual advances or clogged plumbing that may result from engaging in the activities outlined herein. Explicit Santa is a subsidiary of Super Cool Idea I Had, LLC, and may not be used without the written permission of Major League Baseball, and especially not by that asshole Rick in the mail room. Few animals were harmed in the making of Explicit Santa.

— Tea Jones


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