December 12th, 2011
Rants from the Rat-Race: Spit It Out
TO: The Guy Who Sounds Like He’s Choking On A Wad of Yarn
FROM: Human Resources
It has come to our attention that your tendency to repeatedly expel tiny hacking coughs is creating a distraction in the workplace. We have received multiple complaints from your co-workers, including your former office mate who handed in his resignation rather than suffer through the musicality of another allergy season.
Please consider the following options as means of rectifying this disruptive problem:
1) Hack that shit up. Just bend over your trashcan, really put your shoulders into the heaving process and gurgle that phlegm right on up. Workplace studies indicate that complete expectoration every few hours is less obnoxious than persistent half-coughs ever half minute.
2) Take a sick day. Please note that sick days will be unpaid, as your annual PTO was exhausted by mid-February due to your three-week vacation spent touring the filming sites of the movie Highlander.
3) Permit necessary violence. Sign the attached affidavit stating that you will not pursue legal action against the company if we institute a “Pavlov” policy. Such a policy would allow your co-workers to drop scalding coffee or reams of paper in the general vicinity of your crotch or face immediately following a coughing fit.
We encourage you to address this issue ASAP, as failure to do so may result in your paychecks being docked for the company’s expense of installing multiple Robitussin dispensers on and around your desk.
We want to clarify that this memo and any subsequent HR messages you may receive are not intended to single you out. Similar memos are also being issued to The Guy Who Claims He’s Allergic To All Deodorants, The Woman Who Thinks Her Grandkids Are Way Cuter Than They Actually Are, and The Guy Who Comes In Early To Crank the Thermostat Down to 55.
Thank you for your attention,
Human Resources (The People Who Know Where You Live)