November 26th, 2010

Save the Date: Black Friday Gifts for Your “Baby”

The holidays are upon us. Joy. I usually unnecessarily agonize over what to get the guy I’m dating for Christmas. Mostly because the idea of walking into a retail establishment anytime after thanksgiving makes me cringe. Black Friday is aptly named. I usually spend it holed up in my apartment, drinking heavily and watching movies, making a point to remove myself from the crazed society who actually thinks saving a few bucks is worth the insanity. Don’t judge.

There is a direct correlation between the gift and the level of, shall we say, commitment. I’m not blowing major cash on a guy who I’m just dating, but the boyfriend will obviously get more time, thought, and money invested in the gift.

Guys are easy, though. If the gift involves sports, alcohol, or something related to his favorite hobby, you are usually praised as an awesome gift-giver. Follow it up with you in some new lingerie and that thing he keeps begging you to do in bed and it’s a definite home run. Ladies, I don’t care what they say, a bottle of cologne you think he will like isn’t going to cut it. In fact, steer clear of anything you think he should possess. If the gift can in anyway be described as “cute”, return it immediately.

Girls are a bit more difficult. Not because we are harder to please, but for some reason men seem completely clueless over what is an appropriate gift. Of course, the typical jewelry, Victoria’s Secret gift card, or spa day are home runs, but only for your girlfriend. Those in the fragile “just dating” state run the chance of the girl thinking waaaaay too much into the gift. That necklace suddenly turns into an “I love you”. Lingerie may have her thinking you’re a chauvinistic pig. Hey, don’t blame me, you’re the one who’s dating Crazy. The good thing about girls is that, if you are actually listening, they usually tell you what they want.

I can’t really tell you what the perfect gift is, but I can tell you what to steer clear of:

1) Crotchless anything, bondage, or any other society perceived abnormal sexual gift. Stuff like this should only be purchased if you have fully discussed and practiced this sort of behavior multiple times in the past. However, massage oil or handcuffs may be the perfect gift for that friend with benefits. See? Relationship status plays a major part in gift giving, especially if you’re doing all of your holiday shopping at Cindie’s or Smoochee’s.

2) Clothing. You will inevitably get her size wrong. Buy something too small and she’ll flip out that it’s your way of saying she’s too fat. Buy something too large, and you’ll get same response. You can’t win here. Unless you buy a scarf. And we live in Houston, so scarves aren’t very practical for a majority of the year.

3) Anything that plugs in. 99% of girls aren’t as into gadgets as you are. Unless it’s the new Droid phone, which you can send directly to me. Thanks. The exception to this is an iPad/Touch/Pod. But that’s getting into a major cash layout, which is probably something you don’t want to do for the girl you’re just dating. And if you are going to drop that much cash on a girl you are just dating, I’ll give you a hint. She’d probably rather you finally have that damn “talk” you’re so scared of instead. Or both the talk and iPad.

Really, gift giving is easy. Stick to what the other person likes, not what you do. If you don’t know, you probably shouldn’t be dating. And remember, blow it and your New Year’s is going to suck. How’s that for pressure?

— X

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