October 29th, 2010

Save the Date: Texting While Dating

Thanks to the proliferation of tiny keyboards and touchscreens, texting is second nature. You can even vote for your favorite American Idol contestant with your iPhone/Droid/Blackberry. OMG, fabulous! How was life even bearable before? As great as the texting revolution is, be careful because text messaging can ruin that budding relationship if common sense isn’t your forté (and men, we all know it’s not!). A few things to remember before you pick up that pocket-sized miracle of technology.

1) Triple Check Your Recipient!
The person you’re dating may know you are seeing other people, but it’s embarrassing to receive a text that was meant for someone else. “I had a great time last night” “Um, we didn’t go out last night.” “Oh, oops…sorry…” I’ve heard of people who do this on purpose to keep the other person on their toes or incite jealousy. Whoa. Totally un-cool, and maybe even a bit psycho?

2. Comic Timing: Lost in Textation
Like most stand-up comedians know, timing and delivery are crucial to a good joke. These are not possible to attain with a text message. Your funny message may sound good to you, but the written word doesn’t carry the same tone the voices in your head hear. And sometimes the :) or ;) may not be enough damage control, especially if you have a sarcastic sense of humor. I don’t want to spend 15 minutes trying to figure out if the guy really is a complete jerk or if he just has a slanted sense of humor.

Sexting: Make Sure to Use Protection
Dirty Texting is extremely fun, but dangerous in those first weeks. Your sexy text message could be repeated to whoever is around when it’s received. You might as well have posted it on Twitter or Facebook. Best to tread lightly, since dirty texting too early may be a turn-off. Same goes for dirty pictures. Do you really want your promising political career ruined from that unfortunate Flicker photo posted by a scorned suitor? You aren’t Paris Hilton, scandal for us common people doesn’t result in multi-million dollar settlements and a career boost.

4. Calling > Texting
By no means should texting be a substitute for a conversation. Checking availability, saying you are there or running late, or the cute “thinking of you, boo” comment works. If your question requires more than a one sentence answer, guess what? That iPhone can send and receive actual phone calls. Similarly, don’t take the coward’s way out and plan a date via text. There is nothing more annoying than trying to make plans through a million texts when it can be accomplished in a 5 minute phone call. Don’t be lazy. And do not cancel a date via text. True, lying is much easier when the other person can’t hear the ambient bar noise in the background that accompanies your “feeling sick, staying home” message. If you are being honest, a phone call is more credible. Try going to the bar bathroom to make the call if you’re being sneaky, and muster up your best sober impression.

5. Over the Limit? Arrest the Text
Drunk texting is about as good of an idea as that third shot of Patron I just took. No matter how cute or sexy you may think it is, chances are it’s not. It may be absolutely hilarious to the recipient, but that might not be your intention. Also, it’s quite a turnoff for a girl to receive a “you have a hot ass” text after one date. Trust me. Yes, my ass is pretty incredible, but most females would appreciate a hot “your intelligence rocks my world” text more. Ok, cheesy, but I’ve never received a text message complimenting me on something besides my physique. First guy who does gets a get out of jail free card for the next drunken “hot ass” text that will surely follow.

6. Booty Calls Texts
On that note, the new booty call – the booty text. If the person wasn’t important enough to spend the evening with, do you really think she will drop everything and sprint over to your location for some late night action? Just something to think about. If this actually works, you may also want to think about a condom and an STD test. Just saying.

7. Text Overload

Just because texting is a quick way of communicating doesn’t mean the person needs to hear from you 50x a day. Coworkers may be close to confiscating the phone and throwing it out of the nearest window. Since the written word is often misconstrued (see #2) chances are a marathon text session will eventually result in some stupid comment being misinterpreted. Also, I have a life that consists of things like work, manicures, girl time, and various hobbies that are more enjoyable when not interrupted by a play by play of your day. Step away from the phone…slowly…and no one gets hurt.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to forward this picture I just received to everyone in my contacts. Is that a cheeto?

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