April 15th, 2011

Save the Date: The Silent Hint

I have a splendid idea. What if, when you absolutely know after a date or two that you weren’t into the other person, that…you…told that person? Gasp! I know! What normally happens? Silence. We’re all guilty of it, even me. It’s easier to just ignore the “problem” and hope it goes away than to actually speak up. You dodge phone calls and text messages and hope they get the silent hint.

I would rather hear some lame line than wonder. Let’s face it, not everyone is going to fall head over heels for you. If you really think that, please look up the definition of narcissism. “It’s not you, it’s me.” “I’m just not feeling it.” “Let’s just be friends.” “I’m moving to Alaska.” Any one of these I would welcome rather than silence. Common courtesy. Now I know that you aren’t lying dead on the side of the road somewhere. Especially if the last conversation you had was making plans for a future date. Don’t say you are going to call me to meet up next week if you have no intention to. Lying isn’t helpful. After just a few encounters it’s even fine to send a simple text message or email.

Now, this is not ok after some semblance of a “relationship”. You’ve been going out for more than a month, hung out with the friends, slept with each other, etc. That would require a face to face (preferably in a public place to minimize temper tantrums) with a stronger excuse. Over the phone break-ups after four months are for selfish people with no backbone. But I digress.

Now, it wouldn’t be fair for me to offer such sage advice without trying it out myself. Luckily, or probably more unluckily, I recently had two chances to impart my philosophy upon suitors. Both received the following text: “You seem like a great guy, but I don’t think we’re that compatible and it wouldn’t be fair for me to lead you on.” Probably not the smoothest of lines, but I tried. The first guy replied, “Thanks for letting me know. Good luck.” Awww. I had warm fuzzies and actually felt that I probably blew off a pretty nice guy. Too bad talking to him was less fun than watching paint dry. The response from the second guy wasn’t as cordial, “Bitch.” Well, ok then.

Now if you receive a less than friendly response the key is not to continue to try to prove your fabulousness to this person. Why bother? You aren’t going to change that person’s mind. After all, you didn’t want to spend any more time with him or her anyway and you certainly don’t want to increase any additional drama that may occur. Repeat after me: “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it, people like me.” Unless you really are an insensitive asshole. Then I can’t help you.

I’ll happily take the Bitch response because, even after, I felt good. I wasn’t dodging contact, making him wonder if I was interested or not. Some people are perceptive enough to pick up on the subtle hints of a date going wrong. The constantly avoiding eye contact, entire body turned away, checking your phone every 5 minutes followed by the sudden “friend emergency” that requires you to leave early. Others, poor things, aren’t as perceptive. The end of the date comes, the cheek gets offered up to kiss, but the messages asking for another date still come.

Oh, by the way, if a girl flat out tells you that she’s uncomfortable with your leering, crass comments about her boobs, or other way inappropriate sexual advancements, please don’t be surprised if she doesn’t want another date. We may want sex, but we certainly don’t want to flat out know that this is the only thing you are trying to accomplish by taking her out and trying to get her as drunk as you are.

There will always be crazies, girls and guys. Take them as entertainment value only, but pity them for their innocent cluelessness. I’m convinced that there just might be a few less crazy people if we were more honest with other people. If that makes me a bitch, so be it.

— X


Dean — Friday, April 15, 2011 4:59 pm

Agreed. It shouldn’t be so difficult for a woman to say, “Hey, thanks for being nice, polite, generous, smelling good, buying everything, and giving me an excuse to pretty-up and get out of the house for a night, but I’m not interested.”

Bubbles — Tuesday, May 10, 2011 11:30 pm

I used your line and got a “fair enough” reply. Nice guy, but if it’s not there, it’s just not there. That’s for the advice!

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