February 4th, 2011

Save the Date: Valentine’s Day – Dun, Dun, Duuuuuuun

Getting through Christmas and New Years as a single isn’t hard enough. February is ruined with the ultimate “holiday”: Valentine’s Day (dun, dun, duuuunnnn.) We singles are reminded that we are indeed, alone. As much as I am a strong, happy, independent female, for some reason this day still bums me out, and usually ends in empty wine bottles and a massive call-in-sick-the-next-day hangover.

A big screw you to those single girls who claim not to care about it one bit. Fine, go eat dinner alone in a restaurant (McDonald’s doesn’t count) on Valentine’s Day and report back to me.

Luckily, Valentine’s Day doesn’t discriminate in its ability to disappoint. It doesn’t seem as wonderful for the couples, either. I have yet to meet a girl who didn’t complain about how her boyfriend/fiancée/husband didn’t fuck up something. I truly have to restrain myself from punching these women in the face. These poor men have a hard enough time appeasing your petty demands on a daily basis. The unnecessary pressure women put on men for Valentine’s Day is ridiculous.

A few of my favorite complaints from years past…

…He sent me flowers to work, but the bouquet was smaller/cheaper than Sally/Betty’s.
At least you were one of the ones who received flowers at work. I don’t want to hear it. How do you think I feel? NOTHING came for me. If you don’t want your flowers, give them to someone who does, you ungrateful bitch. At least he spent the money to send you those typical dozen red roses. Hey, I used to work at a flower shop. That bouquet is twice the price than it is any other day, and he had to call in advance to have it delivered. We don’t take requests up to almost a week before the big disappointment, I mean, day. You should be happy he actually thought far enough in advance to make sure everyone at the office knows someone cares about you. Because really, that is the whole point of office flower delivery. Somebody better handcuff me to my desk before I full body tackle this idiot.

…We had reservations to the hottest restaurant in town, but the food/service was bad.
Ok, this is NOT the guys fault! If you demand to be taken out to dinner on this night, you should also be aware that the kitchen and staff are overworked, the food is usually prepared in advance to turn as many tables as possible for a profit and, again, he had to call well ahead to even score a reservation. How do you think the people working in the restaurant feel? They have to listen to your incessant bitching instead of being with their loved ones. Why don’t you get off your lazy ass and cook him a special meal instead? I quite enjoyed my veal scaloppini and asparagus for one. And that chocolate amaretto mousse for dessert was divine. Certainly helped curb the enormous wine hangover from that expensive bottle of champagne I treated myself to…

…He gave me chocolate, but I’m on a diet.
I calmly took the giant collection of Godiva truffles from her, opened it, popped a delicious delicacy into my mouth, closed the box, hit her upside the head with it, and then walked away with my prize. She deserved being brought back to reality and I deserved the truffles. Fair exchange.

…I wanted a diamond engagement ring, not a bracelet.
(Insert ten minute rant full of explicatives here.) Yes, there is a stuck-up, selfish bitch that actually had the nerve to utter these words in the presence of single females. A friend literally had to stop me from stabbing this, this… thing in the eye with my heel. I felt sorry for her boyfriend. I wondered if he knew that he was dating an egocentric she-devil. This is the definition of ungratefulness.

Many women have built up this Hallmark holiday into an unrealistic Disney fantasy. No matter what the poor guy does, his woman is probably going to bitch about something. I am well aware that there are many references to violence in this little rant of mine, but this is one thing I feel very passionate about. I don’t know one man who has successfully lived up to his mate’s Valentine’s Day fantasy (even the guy who surprised his girlfriend with a trip to the Bahamas got blasted for the coach fare).

It’s not fair, and it seems to bring out the worst and most selfish behavior in a majority of women. As a single, I’d be happy to receive a single flower from the grocery store and a simple kiss on this day. So to all of you women actually in a relationship, think first before you bitch. Or at the very least avoid speaking to me on the subject of V-Day.

— X


Kerri Farrell Foley — Tuesday, February 8, 2011 9:33 am

Disney has ruined an entire generation of women. Not only are our husbands/boyfriends/life partners supposed to sweep us off our feet on the big V-Day (can we pause a moment to reflect on how frighteningly close the term ‘V-Day’ sounds to “V.D.”?), but they are also obliged to make even the most mundane activities romantic. After all, Princess Ariel wouldn’t have been caught dead buying Extra Zesty Fritos at the grocery store for her man, right? So don’t ask us to feign interest in ‘your stuff,’ don’t ask us to expect anything less than perfection when our work bouquets come flouncing through the door, don’t ask us to stop harping for rings or cars or affection or your undivided attention during the Super Bowl or the World Cup or even run-of-the-mill Sports Center. It’s not going to happen. We will continue to expect perfectly choreographed candle-lit waltzes and diamonds the size of small rodents. Belle, Ariel, Aurora, Snow White, Cinderella, Jasmine and Pocahontas wouldn’t have us settle for anything less.

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