May 10th, 2012

NEWScoop: Naked in Kemah, Remembaa’ing the Alamo, Beck-a-Tex, Seaweeding Tourists and Brothers Behaving Poorly

Uni-Tri Careens in Kemah
A man was arrested on the Kemah Bridge on Wednesday afternoon for riding on his unicycle in the buff. Joseph Glynn Farley or Uni-Tri, in his defense, stated, “I liked the way it felt.” Kemah Police Chief Greg Rikard has this to say in reply, “Really don’t know what he meant by that, but that’s what he said.” Who can blame the guy, it’s breezy up there at the top. Visit TheChron for more.

Phil Collins: Well I REMEM*BA*. I REMEM*BAA* the Alamo (3:02)
Before Phil Collins was seeking out his own unique style of music, he was donning a coon-skin cap in the search for Antonio de Padua María Severino López de Santa Anna y Pérez de Lebrón. As a young boy he was fascinated by the epic Battle of the Alamo, so much so that he’s studied it in the decades since. At 61, he’s now written the book, The Alamo and Beyond: A Collector’s Journey. Visit KHOU for more.

SchauYateKeenBeck, Come Together!
The Texans added the fourth piece to the quarterback machine with veteran, John Beck. Rumor has it he’ll click into place right away having come from the Shanahan Family Franchise out in Maryland. Time will tell. Until then, let’s hope all parts of this temperamental device stay in tip-top. Visit TheChron for more.

Galveston has Seaweed? Indeeeed!
Tourists are confounded by the seaweed, darker sands and brown water. “It’s a little off-putting. Our beach experience has been the panhandle of Florida, where you have the beautiful white sand and emerald beach.” Sounds about like that time I visited Chinatown expecting egg custard and dumplings, only to be surprised when I ran into magical sorcerers and men dressed like Raiden. Lesson learned.  Visit MyFoxHouston for more.

Brothers Don’t Shake Hands, Brothers Gotta Rob and Disgustingly Abuse Women
Colin Smith beat and choked his girlfriend in an effort to obtain a sum of money she’d just received from a court settlement. He then called his brother, Justin, to help in the search. If there were a Tommy Boy for every Paul Barish, we’d be a lot better off. Visit ABC13 for more.

— The Loop Scoop

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April 25th, 2012

NEWScoop: Militia, Dress Code, Hodgepodge of Garbage, Bong and RG3

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Valentine’s Day Passion, It Ain’t All Love
Liberty County Sheriff’s Deputies had a 90-minute stand-off with a member of the Texas Militia on February 14th of this year. To the deputies’ credit, this disagreement ended peacefully. Law a’ the land, MAN. Visit TheChron for more.

Bending Rules Like Heartstrings
Two students of the Judson Independent School District have broken dress code. They wore Homes for Our Troops t-shirts in support of their father, Army Spc. Justin Perez-Gorda. The code clearly states, that t-shirts may only have college or JISD campus spirit logos. Show your love and support in another way. Visit KHOU for more.

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“Mixed Up Hodgepodge of Garbage”
Are they talking about Houston? No, they’re referring to the evidence being used to indict former Astros player, Roger Clemens. Clemens’ attorney, Hardin is claiming that McNamee is only out to make a buck. We’ll see. Visit TheChron for more.

Goodwill and Its High-Minded Ideals
A Goodwill drop-off center in Friendswood received a bong (read: “an unusual and illegal item”) and then had the audacity to complain about it. Beggars cannot be choosers.  Visit ABC13 for more.

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RG3 is Chicken
Not the yellow-bellied sort. He’s literally chicken, at least the edible Subway statue version is—barbecue chicken to be exact. Why does this exist? Visit KHOU for more.

— The Loop Scoop

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April 9th, 2012

NEWScoop: Spaghetti Western, Getting Along, Wearing Black, Veterans Welcomed and Eggs Dropped

Firing Shots Outside Spaghetti Warehouse—Not Gonna Happen, Man. You’re Ridin’ on a Buffalo. Remember?
The 24-year old intoxicated fella wasn’t the guy on a buffalo. Who’s to say he wasn’t in that mindset. I’ll admit, I’ve had my faculties stormed by the mountain-man, buffalo-riding, Kentucky long-rifle wielding confidence that comes as a result of too much Bailey’s. I’d grab the nearest push-broom in hopes that its faster top speed would help me save orphans. Put yourself in Adam’s place. Physical and legal limitations go right out the window. Visit ABC13 for more.

Easter International: Vietnamese, Spanish, Korean, English and Spanich
This past weekend’s multicultural camaraderie is certainly something to be excited about. It serves as a shred of evidence that we can all in fact, get along- even if it only concerns one religion. It’s a start. Visit ABC13 for more.

An Increase in Bad News - Brought to You by the Man in Black
A 27-year-old individual beats his two-year-old son for pulling off window tint. Missing mother of four is abused and murdered by the criminal she was wed to. Party-goers are shot at Surfside. Individual chokes and burns wife. Visit any news outlet for more.

Houston Welcomes Home Iraq War Vets
If you were in Downtown on Saturday you might’ve noticed a parade moving southeast along Texas Avenue toward Minute Maid Park. That was the city of Houston welcoming back our nation’s Iraq War veterans. Apparently Houston is only the second “large” city to do so. Politics aside, they’ve sacrificed a lot. Thank you. Visit ABC13 for more.

Montgomery County’s Largest Egg Drop!
Call me old-fashioned, but I didn’t realize there was such a thing as an egg drop, let alone enough to conjure comparisons. Well, they exist. This one dropped thousands. I should very much hope they weren’t eggs of the golden variety. That might be cause for concern. Visit ABC13 for more.

— The Loop Scoop

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April 4th, 2012

NEWScoop: Mineral Water, Elementary Gator Behavior, Doomsday, Temporal Rifts and a Nature Knocked DFW

Brown Manganese and Iron Infused Tap Water
Citizens in Danbury are complaining about the their water supply; its characteristics are listed above. The Texas Commission on Environmental Quality and the City of Danbury issued the following message, “SUCK IT UP!” Visit ABC13 for more.

Elementary School Curriculum: Gators 101
Seasoned alligator catcher, Texas Department of Parks & Wildlife game warden Barry Eversole nonchalantly quips that “It’s not rare to see gators this time of year. It gets blown way out of proportion.” It’s breeding season. Keep this in mind though, “Oh yeah, they’ll take your arm off,” he said. Visit TheChron for more.

City Boy Can Survive
The old adage about rural folk having the leg-up in survival situations seems to be incorrect as many city slickers are just as prone to gun ownership, shelter building and food storage. Fear knows no demographic. Just ask the people at Top Brass Military & Tactical. Visit MyFoxHouston for more.

12 Hurt On Their Way From Tampa to Houston
On Tuesday, United flight 1727 was en route from Tampa to Houston. Along the way it struck a rift in the space-time continuum causing an incredible amount of turbulence, over what the pilots think was Lake Charles, Louisiana. That’s the second time we’ve mentioned space-time today for anyone that’s counting. Visit TheChron for more.

Our Uppity Neighbors to the North are Still Our Neighbors
If you haven’t heard about the hail and tornadoes that ravaged parts of the DFW area yesterday, I would suggest pulling your head out of your nether regions. They require assistance. Here’s a few ways to help if you feel inclined to do so. Visit MyFoxHouston for more.

— The Loop Scoop

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March 28th, 2012

NEWScoop: You’re Gonna Lose, Bats in the Belfry, Pen is Mightier, Bee on Your Best Behavior and the Birthday Scam sans Dean & Rog

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Clayton Angel, Have Some Chocolate
After yesterday’s news of JetBlue Airways Corp. Capt. Clayton Osbon’s isle rant on the way to Vegas, there’s a lot of confusion. Loyal to his employees, David Barger, president and chief executive officer has issued statements backing up the character of Captain Clayton. “He’s the sweetest little boy, everyone’s just going to love him.”  Visit KHOU for more.

Bats in the Church Belfry
Infamous Andrea Yates is seeking permission to leave her long-held post at the psychiatric hospital for a couple hours per week, so she may attend services at a local church. Fine. Just keep her away from that baptistery. Visit TheChron for more.

My Ink? It’s the Japanese Symbol for ‘Regret.’
In a fiercely competitive job market, people rocking body art are finding themselves at a disadvantage. That Scooby-Doo tatt on your forearm maybe wasn’t the greatest idea, after all. Fortunately, there are medical procedures to rectify just about everything these days, including impulsive decisions made in the throes of youth. Visit Click2Houston for more.

Farmer to Thieves, “I’ll BEE Watching You.”
There’s a reason all dogs go to heaven; they’re good natured. Vicious behavior is taught. Bees are a different story, their mean spirited stings are instinctive and territorial. Local farmer, Gus Nawara is retiring his canines and bringing that fury to his organic fields as a means of defense. Hear that buzzing? That ain’t no alarm you’ve triggered. Visit KHOU for more.

You Say It’s Your Birthday
A local mom was ripped off by scam artists posing as party planners. Buck up, mom. Everyone knows that no matter how disastrous a birthday begins, Jake Ryan will always pop up in the final frames with a cake and a kiss for the ages. But then, maybe that’s not what you had in mind for your nine year old. Visit ABC13 for more.

— The Loop Scoop

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March 19th, 2012

NEWScoop: Sausage Surges, the Human Race Does Not Impress, a Garage Sale Bombs, DNA Outpaces and the FBI Tracks Blue Man for Wearing Blue

Sausage Surge Gets Dirty at Bikini Contest and Car Show
One does not simply have a car show and bikini gaze at a bar called FRANK-N-Stein’s on Saint Patrick’s Day and not experience trash throwing and fights. To expect anything less from that combustible crowd—it is folly. Visit KHOU for more.

Racism Undoubtedly Convinces Your Opponents
There is no better way to sway undecided voters and those of the opposition, that your candidate is the right guy for the job, than a little racial slur. Oh, and you can say “guy” this year, there aren’t any women running. If there were, you could get into sexism too. May ignorance be your Room of Requirement, jerk. Visit KHOU for more.

Kitscha-a-Boom
A pipe bomb was discovered at a garage sale in Wichita Falls. First off, who discovered it? How’d they know what it was? And why a garage sale? Who doesn’t like kitschy old stuff being bought by frugal kitschy old stuff loving citizens? Visit TheChron for more.

DNA: Does Not Abdicate
Thirty years or thirty days—it does not quit. It can free men from being wrongfully imprisoned and get those that perform evil, behind bars. Remember those jewel thieves that robbed the Zales in the Galleria the day before Christmas? Deoxyribonucleic acid’s on to ‘em. Visit MyFoxHouston for more.

FBI Wants Your Help in Identifying Man Devoid of Green on Saint Patrick’s Day
He was last seen wearing a beige baseball cap, navy blue jacket, navy Polo shirt with white stripes, blue jean dungarees, dark shoes and sunglasses while conversing with a bank teller at a Fiesta in southwest Houston. Visit ABC13 for more.

— The Loop Scoop

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March 16th, 2012

NEWScoop: A Street Art Blemish, Giant iPhones, H-Town Drivers, Market Ashes, Political Paradox and Sick Women

Street Art or a Blemish on Houston
Whether or not you support it is irrelevant. Some street art is better off pressure washed. You know the type, tagging for tagging’s sake, a couple of letters or a name? No detail. No care. No thought. No message. Visit ABC13 for more.

Seriously? It’s Just a Giant iPhone.
Appleophiles crowded sidewalks and storefronts last night for the latest hallowed iCampout. Many campers twittered hourly updates (“I’m sitting, waiting … Still sitting, still waiting.”) in an effort to keep us informed that they would soon, very soon, be in possession of the latest-greatest iPad and therefore be vastly superior to the rest of us. Visit TheChron for more.

Houston’s Drivers Suck
I’ve been saying it for years, although I’d usually convince myself otherwise. I’d rationalize that every large city had an abundance of drivers willing to cut you off, tailgate and hit and run without hesitation. We’re a novelty, folks. Take that to the body shop. Visit ABC13 for more.

Market Burns, Flea Casualties Unknown
Fire broke out at the White Elephant Flea Market in East Houston overnight, destroying a warehouse full of antique furniture. Local reporters arrived on scene, drawn to the shiny HFD lights, but soon lost interest upon learning that there were no casualties. Residents say it’s a loss for the neighborhood. Reporters aren’t buying it. Visit Click2Houston for more.

Libertarians, Political Paradox
Ron Paul and Libertarians have been downers on the state of the country. Paul’s never been a realistic 3rd party candidate, even running Republican. Let’s face it, he’s no TR. Now, as defeat is imminent, his backers find the good in a bleak situation. “It does seem like this is a real step forward…” Visit KHOU for more.

Sick Women Get Screwed
Federal funding for the Texas Medicare Women’s Health Program is no mas. But no worries; Governor Perry has called on state officials to magically produce 40 million bucks to replace the federal support. So… that’s sure to happen real soon.. Visit Click2Houston for more.

— The Loop Scoop

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March 5th, 2012

NEWScoop: Kennedy Makes Santorum Nearly Throw Up, Girl Scouts Fight, Bearcats Exist, Houston Diversifies and a Plane Mutates

Santorum Misinterprets 1960 Speech Given by Senator Kennedy in Houston, Nearly Throws Up
The quote referenced takes place at 1:39. The issue at the time was whether or not Kennedy would take orders from Rome. To Santorum’s credit, he was only 2 at the time of the speech. Chalk it up to poor recollection. Visit TheChron for more.

Don’t Steal from Girl Scouts
That being said, I leave you with this: “Who steals from a Girl Scout? I mean, seriously, it’s like the worst thing ever,” she said. “I hope your face hurts from when Iravia punched you—jerks!” Visit KHOU for more.

Bearcats Exist, No Longer Just the Mascot of Sam Houston State
I know this because two escaped in Harris County. I was always under the impression that bearcats, like the Mean Green of the University of North Texas or the Fighting Artichoke of Scottsdale Community College, were just made up to sound vicious. Liger, anyone? Visit Click2Houston for more.

LOST TV Star Claims Houston Area is More Diverse than New York
It’s not the same Michael Emerson. In any case, this other Michael Emerson, whom we’ll call “the real one”, works at Rice University doing research for Kinder Institute for Urban Research. By digging through old census reports he’s found that the greater Houston area is indeed a melting pot. Visit TheChron for more.

Planes Experience Metamorphosis Midair and We’re Concerned with Box Cutters
Continental Flight 1267 took off from Phoenix on Friday and landed in Cleveland on Saturday as United Flight 1267—an entirely different plane. How? Why? Don’t come to me about box cuttersVisit ABC13 for more.

— The Loop Scoop

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March 2nd, 2012

NEWScoop: Gently Used Kidney for Sale, Puppy Stealing Punks, Thieving Stros Fan, Heavy Sin and Burglar Academy

SWF Seeking Organ for Romantic Walks, Extended Life Expectancy
Now, for a limited time only, you can be the proud owner of a gently used kidney. No rush, no fuss, no drugged tourists in bathtubs full of ice necessary. Just pop on craigslist and shop yourself some life saving transplant supplies. And don’t miss our two-day bone marrow special – buy the marrow, get a piece of pancreas free! Visit Click2Houston for more.

Punks Steal Puppy, Deserve a Good Loogie
Investigators in the recent theft of a puppy from a pet store adoption event fear that the thieves intend to use the puppy as a “bait dog.” We can safely assume this doesn’t mean they’re going to take ole’ blue with them down to the fishin’ hole. If you happen to spot these people, be sure to spit on them for me. How’s that for journalistic objectivity? Visit Click2Houston for more.

Suspect is a Huge Stros Fan, Shouldn’t be Hard to Find
The man responsible for assaulting women at bus stops is rumored to have an Astros Star tattooed on his head and a Virgin Mary on his forearm. Virgin Mary, I get that—even the wicked love religion—Michael Corleone. As for the other, you might as well have a bullseye.  Visit ABC13 for more.

These Burdens of Sin are Effing Heavy
We’re officially putting out an APB for the thief who absconded with a Ford F-150 from the rodeo parking lot. The perpetrator of the crime will likely be seen carrying a computer, an iPad, some business files, a purse, an umbrella, and some tools. Suspect will be too burdened to be considered dangerous. Apprehend at will. Visit Click2Houston for more.

Burglary Suspect Breaks into Academy for the Hell of It
Not really. But after successfully scaling the roof, descending inside from the ceiling with a homemade grappling hook and then coming away with nothing—seems like a trial run for something bigger. Look out Fort Knox? No, after gathering his stolen items in the store, he only then realized he wouldn’t be able to get back up the rope to the roof. Visit MyFoxHouston for more.

— The Loop Scoop

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February 27th, 2012

NEWScoop: The Man in Black, a Great Sensation, Billy Crystal and a Crewman Calls to Its Master

In a Sea of White, He’s Wearin’ Black
The abundance of sullen stories unfolding in Houston today is a reminder that we’ve still a long way to go. Those news headlines are as follows: Man Guns Down His Family and Then Himself, Women Beaten to Death in Home, Man Shot as He Answers Front Door, 19-Year Old Hits Cops With Car—the list goes on. That’s only one news outlet. Visit KHOU for more.

The Great Texas Warrant Round Up
Why bother trying to top that headline? It’s big. It’s dramatic. It’s sensationalism. Visit KHOU for more.

Who the F*#k is Billy Crystal?

That’s Billy Crystal. That’s Meg Ryan.
And for future reference, that’s Eddie Murphy below. He and Ratner can’t hold out forever.

Visit TheChron for more.

Like “The One Ring”, Carnival Crewman Wants to be Found
One member of the Carnival cruise ship, Magic leaped overboard into the dark waters of the Gulf of Mexico. He had a life vest and blinking strobe light; this evidence would suggest that he was simply going for a swim, albeit an ill advised one. Visit ABC13 for more.

— The Loop Scoop

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