May 8th, 2012
The slime outbreak started in New York back in the 1980’s. After 20 years it’s showing up in Houston. Sounds about right, we’re usually a couple decades behind. The biggest concentration thus far has been found at HISD. MFAH, be mindful of the sewers. You’re next. Visit MyFoxHouston for more.
Judge to HOA, Sus Domesticus IS for the Rest of Us
Back in August 2011, we made a prediction that these potbellied pig haters (HOA in Spring) would get the trounce when the law stepped in. We were correct. A judge ruled that this 70-pound piece of pork is A-OK. Visit KHOU for more.
Car Kills. Speed Kills. Everything Kills.
According to the American Journal of Preventative Medicine and the Houston Chronicle, long car rides are greedily eating our “active” time like Kobayashi inhales franks. Drive slow and it’s heart disease. Drive fast and you’re crushed like a pop can. Visit TheChron for more.
Man Continues the Childhood Fire Fighter Fantasy into Adult Jail
Dakota Runes Short was caught by the Law Dog as he impersonated a Spring Volunteer Firefighter. Was he wearing the gear, boots and helmet? No, he merely had some flashing lights on his car dashboard. Anticlimactic, no? Visit MyFoxHouston for more.
Rice is Still in Houston
Rice University Police Chief Johnny Whitehead wants everyone to know that the campus is open to one of the largest cities in the nation. That’s after a student was robbed at gunpoint in a parking lot. Clever thief. Visit KHOU for more.
April 25th, 2012
Valentine’s Day Passion, It Ain’t All Love
Liberty County Sheriff’s Deputies had a 90-minute stand-off with a member of the Texas Militia on February 14th of this year. To the deputies’ credit, this disagreement ended peacefully. Law a’ the land, MAN. Visit TheChron for more.
Bending Rules Like Heartstrings
Two students of the Judson Independent School District have broken dress code. They wore Homes for Our Troops t-shirts in support of their father, Army Spc. Justin Perez-Gorda. The code clearly states, that t-shirts may only have college or JISD campus spirit logos. Show your love and support in another way. Visit KHOU for more.
“Mixed Up Hodgepodge of Garbage”
Are they talking about Houston? No, they’re referring to the evidence being used to indict former Astros player, Roger Clemens. Clemens’ attorney, Hardin is claiming that McNamee is only out to make a buck. We’ll see. Visit TheChron for more.
Goodwill and Its High-Minded Ideals
A Goodwill drop-off center in Friendswood received a bong (read: “an unusual and illegal item”) and then had the audacity to complain about it. Beggars cannot be choosers. Visit ABC13 for more.
RG3 is Chicken
Not the yellow-bellied sort. He’s literally chicken, at least the edible Subway statue version is—barbecue chicken to be exact. Why does this exist? Visit KHOU for more.
April 18th, 2012
Proof that the Evolutionary Process has Stalled
An individual, called Verna McClain, shot and killed Kala Golden, a new mother of three days at a pediatric clinic in the Woodlands. The theory this early in the investigation is that the suspect murdered Golden and stole her newborn baby instead of seeking an adoption. This is despicable. Visit KHOU for more.
Every Bit Counts
And as I was prepared to brood my morning away over the tragedy above, I come across this story, Allen Girl Donates Tooth Fairy Money to Help Tornado Victims. For every wrong, there is a right. In this case the impact of the former greatly outweighs the intentions of the latter. It’s a small gesture, but even a tiny step in the right direction distances further from the vile. Visit KHOU for more.
Houston Man Wrestles Stilwell Angel to the Ground
Another passenger on another plane went goofy, this time commandeering the food and beverage cart. His short-lived reign on U.S. Airways Flight No. 500 ended when he led a charge at the flight attendant. Another passenger intervened and Stilwell was subdued. The FBI later escorted him from the plane. Visit TheChron for more.
Crashed Through the Doors of HISD with a Chicken in Hand!
Parents are becoming frustrated with the alleged unethical practices being enacted by HISD as it relates to hiring less than reputable contractors when building new education sites. What do you mean less than reputable? Contractors known for low wages, undocumented pay, wage theft and exploitation of non-citizenship. Visit MyFoxHouston for more.
Houston Texans 2012 Schedule
Look at that; that’s five nationally televised games. It’s also a chance to catch the home team come Thanksgiving Day. Yes sir or ma’m, this is one year you won’t be forced to root for America’s team. Looks to be a good season. Visit MyFoxHouston for more.
April 13th, 2012
Manager of Late-Nite Pie Most Likely Late to Life
I say that because if the arson investigation currently implementing him as the key suspect goes through, he’ll be spending some time in jail. Jail is ambition’s sedative. Whatever he had plans for, he’d better postpone or cancel. Visit KHOU for more.
Bring Out Your Meds, Bring Out Your Meds
Doctors and assistants were arrested and led away in DEA handcuffs after a raid on a medical center in the Woodlands. If there’s one thing that Woodlanders do not tolerate, it’s drug pushers in their hood. Citizens of the community are justifiably upset. May I suggest they pop a Xanax or two and lie down? Visit TheChron for more.
The New University of Houston Logo is Flawed (Spoiler: The H’s Serifs are Different)
Someone’s in trouble. The new mark is sure to be producing the kind of “oh f#^k!” moment every designer, art director, writer, creative director and project manager dreads—the blatant error seen only too late—after the press run and unveiling. Hopefully its production on marketing collateral and apparel hasn’t gone too far. Then again, maybe it was intentional.
And to the folks up in arms over the negative space between the two letters; that’s not a mistake. The entire logo is outlined in white, so it’s only reasonable that the white carries over into that space as well. Sure realistically a pixel or two of red might appear if true to the outline, but then you’re left with an ill-considered red dot. It’s better off omitted. Visit UniWatch for more.
A Repo Man Spends His Life Getting Into Tense Situations!
Everybody knows that. Or at least everybody who was raised with an appreciation of terrible 80’s flicks. But a Montgomery County Sherriff gave one repo worker a bit more than the standard “don’t touch my car” grief. Guns were drawn, badges were flashed. But the car was returned, so happy ending for all? We’ll see what the DA has to say eventually. Visit Click2Houston for more.
3 AM cruises around the 610 loop are a bit safer since the gaping pot hole near Ella was repaired yesterday. TxDOT claims they are still unsure what caused the road damage to begin with, but by the look of it, I think we have to assume it was a meteor strike worthy of a Michael Bay movie. Visit Click2Houston for more.
March 28th, 2012
Clayton Angel, Have Some Chocolate
After yesterday’s news of JetBlue Airways Corp. Capt. Clayton Osbon’s isle rant on the way to Vegas, there’s a lot of confusion. Loyal to his employees, David Barger, president and chief executive officer has issued statements backing up the character of Captain Clayton. “He’s the sweetest little boy, everyone’s just going to love him.” Visit KHOU for more.
Bats in the Church Belfry
Infamous Andrea Yates is seeking permission to leave her long-held post at the psychiatric hospital for a couple hours per week, so she may attend services at a local church. Fine. Just keep her away from that baptistery. Visit TheChron for more.
My Ink? It’s the Japanese Symbol for ‘Regret.’
In a fiercely competitive job market, people rocking body art are finding themselves at a disadvantage. That Scooby-Doo tatt on your forearm maybe wasn’t the greatest idea, after all. Fortunately, there are medical procedures to rectify just about everything these days, including impulsive decisions made in the throes of youth. Visit Click2Houston for more.
Farmer to Thieves, “I’ll BEE Watching You.”
There’s a reason all dogs go to heaven; they’re good natured. Vicious behavior is taught. Bees are a different story, their mean spirited stings are instinctive and territorial. Local farmer, Gus Nawara is retiring his canines and bringing that fury to his organic fields as a means of defense. Hear that buzzing? That ain’t no alarm you’ve triggered. Visit KHOU for more.
You Say It’s Your Birthday
A local mom was ripped off by scam artists posing as party planners. Buck up, mom. Everyone knows that no matter how disastrous a birthday begins, Jake Ryan will always pop up in the final frames with a cake and a kiss for the ages. But then, maybe that’s not what you had in mind for your nine year old. Visit ABC13 for more.
March 19th, 2012
Sausage Surge Gets Dirty at Bikini Contest and Car Show
One does not simply have a car show and bikini gaze at a bar called FRANK-N-Stein’s on Saint Patrick’s Day and not experience trash throwing and fights. To expect anything less from that combustible crowd—it is folly. Visit KHOU for more.
Racism Undoubtedly Convinces Your Opponents
There is no better way to sway undecided voters and those of the opposition, that your candidate is the right guy for the job, than a little racial slur. Oh, and you can say “guy” this year, there aren’t any women running. If there were, you could get into sexism too. May ignorance be your Room of Requirement, jerk. Visit KHOU for more.
A pipe bomb was discovered at a garage sale in Wichita Falls. First off, who discovered it? How’d they know what it was? And why a garage sale? Who doesn’t like kitschy old stuff being bought by frugal kitschy old stuff loving citizens? Visit TheChron for more.
DNA: Does Not Abdicate
Thirty years or thirty days—it does not quit. It can free men from being wrongfully imprisoned and get those that perform evil, behind bars. Remember those jewel thieves that robbed the Zales in the Galleria the day before Christmas? Deoxyribonucleic acid’s on to ‘em. Visit MyFoxHouston for more.
FBI Wants Your Help in Identifying Man Devoid of Green on Saint Patrick’s Day
He was last seen wearing a beige baseball cap, navy blue jacket, navy Polo shirt with white stripes, blue jean dungarees, dark shoes and sunglasses while conversing with a bank teller at a Fiesta in southwest Houston. Visit ABC13 for more.
March 16th, 2012
Street Art or a Blemish on Houston
Whether or not you support it is irrelevant. Some street art is better off pressure washed. You know the type, tagging for tagging’s sake, a couple of letters or a name? No detail. No care. No thought. No message. Visit ABC13 for more.
Seriously? It’s Just a Giant iPhone.
Appleophiles crowded sidewalks and storefronts last night for the latest hallowed iCampout. Many campers twittered hourly updates (“I’m sitting, waiting … Still sitting, still waiting.”) in an effort to keep us informed that they would soon, very soon, be in possession of the latest-greatest iPad and therefore be vastly superior to the rest of us. Visit TheChron for more.
Houston’s Drivers Suck
I’ve been saying it for years, although I’d usually convince myself otherwise. I’d rationalize that every large city had an abundance of drivers willing to cut you off, tailgate and hit and run without hesitation. We’re a novelty, folks. Take that to the body shop. Visit ABC13 for more.
Market Burns, Flea Casualties Unknown
Fire broke out at the White Elephant Flea Market in East Houston overnight, destroying a warehouse full of antique furniture. Local reporters arrived on scene, drawn to the shiny HFD lights, but soon lost interest upon learning that there were no casualties. Residents say it’s a loss for the neighborhood. Reporters aren’t buying it. Visit Click2Houston for more.
Libertarians, Political Paradox
Ron Paul and Libertarians have been downers on the state of the country. Paul’s never been a realistic 3rd party candidate, even running Republican. Let’s face it, he’s no TR. Now, as defeat is imminent, his backers find the good in a bleak situation. “It does seem like this is a real step forward…” Visit KHOU for more.
Sick Women Get Screwed
Federal funding for the Texas Medicare Women’s Health Program is no mas. But no worries; Governor Perry has called on state officials to magically produce 40 million bucks to replace the federal support. So… that’s sure to happen real soon.. Visit Click2Houston for more.
February 24th, 2012
“The thing that comes out from your behind.”
That’s what it smells like in two Houston homes right now. In other words, it smells like a fews days’ old waste stored and released from many a rectal cavity. This is what happens when city workers send sewage into oncoming traffic—a one way street you never want to violate. Visit KHOU for more.
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February 22nd, 2012
My Graduation or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Build the Acid Bomb
Three teenagers, two the age of 18 and one at 15, went sorting through mischief and found trouble in Pearland. The end of high school can be an exciting time for a lot of reasons, not one of which should be for the reaction of one strong base when it meets a weak acid inside a plastic bottle. Go play Twister or Cribbage. That’s we did. Visit KHOU for more.
No One Under 15? Better Make it 19
VIDA Tex-Mex Restaurant has a sign outside that prohibits would-be patrons of ages 15 and under from eating there. While you’re exercising ageism, you might as well tack on four years. If the article above is any indication, you’re not safe with 16, 17 or even 18 year olds. You don’t want a lesson in high school science fair chemistry. Visit MyFoxHouston for more.
Michael Berry: Not the High Road, nor the Low, He’s Taken the Crazy Train
Michael Berry continues his spat with the news media as they blow his reported wreck at TC’s Showbar out of proportion. Based on Berry’s heightened reaction, he doesn’t care who blows who or where, just as long you know he didn’t have a hand in it. Visit KHOU for more.
Felicia Moon (Warren Moon’s Ex-Wife) is Denied Affection
Felicia Moon and her significant other, were in a field around Hockley—an area so grossly populated and well known that KHOU’s own reporter misspelled the town’s name as Hawkley. I digress. The couple was engaged in an intimate act when Waller County’s finest caught and arrested them among their Houston Livestock Show & Rodeo Trail-ride camp. Visit KHOU for more.
Cops Charge Fellow Officer With Juice Box Theft
Police officers in Deer Park are taking one of their own to court. Evidence was accrued by taking secret video footage of the defendant rummaging about in the refrigerator. One can only assume that the other officers were putting their wallets and purses next to the cheese and yogurt. Otherwise, why the fuss? I can’t tell you how often my vegemite is quite rudely taken without my consent. Visit MyFoxHouston for more.