May 10th, 2012

NEWScoop: Naked in Kemah, Remembaa’ing the Alamo, Beck-a-Tex, Seaweeding Tourists and Brothers Behaving Poorly

Uni-Tri Careens in Kemah
A man was arrested on the Kemah Bridge on Wednesday afternoon for riding on his unicycle in the buff. Joseph Glynn Farley or Uni-Tri, in his defense, stated, “I liked the way it felt.” Kemah Police Chief Greg Rikard has this to say in reply, “Really don’t know what he meant by that, but that’s what he said.” Who can blame the guy, it’s breezy up there at the top. Visit TheChron for more.

Phil Collins: Well I REMEM*BA*. I REMEM*BAA* the Alamo (3:02)
Before Phil Collins was seeking out his own unique style of music, he was donning a coon-skin cap in the search for Antonio de Padua María Severino López de Santa Anna y Pérez de Lebrón. As a young boy he was fascinated by the epic Battle of the Alamo, so much so that he’s studied it in the decades since. At 61, he’s now written the book, The Alamo and Beyond: A Collector’s Journey. Visit KHOU for more.

SchauYateKeenBeck, Come Together!
The Texans added the fourth piece to the quarterback machine with veteran, John Beck. Rumor has it he’ll click into place right away having come from the Shanahan Family Franchise out in Maryland. Time will tell. Until then, let’s hope all parts of this temperamental device stay in tip-top. Visit TheChron for more.

Galveston has Seaweed? Indeeeed!
Tourists are confounded by the seaweed, darker sands and brown water. “It’s a little off-putting. Our beach experience has been the panhandle of Florida, where you have the beautiful white sand and emerald beach.” Sounds about like that time I visited Chinatown expecting egg custard and dumplings, only to be surprised when I ran into magical sorcerers and men dressed like Raiden. Lesson learned.  Visit MyFoxHouston for more.

Brothers Don’t Shake Hands, Brothers Gotta Rob and Disgustingly Abuse Women
Colin Smith beat and choked his girlfriend in an effort to obtain a sum of money she’d just received from a court settlement. He then called his brother, Justin, to help in the search. If there were a Tommy Boy for every Paul Barish, we’d be a lot better off. Visit ABC13 for more.

— The Loop Scoop

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May 8th, 2012

NEWScoop: Meat Slime, Sus Domesticus, Sedentary Life, Impersonation and Complacency

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Psychomagnatheric What?
The slime outbreak started in New York back in the 1980’s. After 20 years it’s showing up in Houston. Sounds about right, we’re usually a couple decades behind. The biggest concentration thus far has been found at HISD. MFAH, be mindful of the sewers. You’re next. Visit MyFoxHouston for more.

Judge to HOA, Sus Domesticus IS for the Rest of Us
Back in August 2011, we made a prediction that these potbellied pig haters (HOA in Spring) would get the trounce when the law stepped in. We were correct. A judge ruled that this 70-pound piece of pork is A-OK. Visit KHOU for more.

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Car Kills. Speed Kills. Everything Kills.
According to the American Journal of Preventative Medicine and the Houston Chronicle, long car rides are greedily eating our “active” time like Kobayashi inhales franks. Drive slow and it’s heart disease. Drive fast and you’re crushed like a pop can. Visit TheChron for more.

Man Continues the Childhood Fire Fighter Fantasy into Adult Jail
Dakota Runes Short was caught by the Law Dog as he impersonated a Spring Volunteer Firefighter. Was he wearing the gear, boots and helmet? No, he merely had some flashing lights on his car dashboard. Anticlimactic, no?  Visit MyFoxHouston for more.

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Rice is Still in Houston
Rice University Police Chief Johnny Whitehead wants everyone to know that the campus is open to one of the largest cities in the nation. That’s after a student was robbed at gunpoint in a parking lot. Clever thief. Visit KHOU for more.

— Richard

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April 23rd, 2012

NEWScoop: Earth Day Violence, Rice Pride, Bad Fish, a Dunkin’ Bad Scheme and a Search Among Ourselves

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Earth Day Activism Taken Too Far
An innocent man was shot multiple times while pumping gas at a Walmart on FM 1960. While theories for the suspect’s motives are kinda flimsy at this time, authorities are not ruling out radical conservation tactics. Visit KHOU for more.

Former Rice Pitcher, Philip Humber has Perfect Game
For those not in the know, that’s no walks, no hits and no errors. Mr. Humber is only the 21st player in Major League Baseball history to achieve this anomaly. Humber’s White Sox beat the Mariners 4-0. Visit TheChron for more.

Bad Fish—No Blue Gills or Tommy Cods
Bigger boat? This father and son fishing duo have been reeling sharks from a pair of kayaks for over a year. If you’re swimming off Galveston’s pocket parks and you hear the unmistakable tune of “Spanish Ladies” being sung by a nine year-old, head for shore. Visit TheChron for more.

Shipley’s Repelled Krispy, Can the Same be Predicted with Dunkin’ at the Gates?
Houstonians like their donuts soft with a slight sugar glazed flaking and shaped about like the tires in a 1950’s Disney cartoon. They also like kolaches. That’s not D’n D. Visit TheChron for more.

FBI Asks Houston to Look for the Woman in Scrubs
Easy enough. TLS asks you to check for fillings while you’re at it. Visit MyFoxHouston for more.

— Richard

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April 18th, 2012

NEWScoop: Evolutionary Backslide, Forward Movement, Food Cart Propulsion, Chicken Momentum and Texans Advance

Proof that the Evolutionary Process has Stalled
An individual, called Verna McClain, shot and killed Kala Golden, a new mother of three days at a pediatric clinic in the Woodlands. The theory this early in the investigation is that the suspect murdered Golden and stole her newborn baby instead of seeking an adoption. This is despicable. Visit KHOU for more.

Every Bit Counts
And as I was prepared to brood my morning away over the tragedy above, I come across this story, Allen Girl Donates Tooth Fairy Money to Help Tornado Victims. For every wrong, there is a right. In this case the impact of the former greatly outweighs the intentions of the latter. It’s a small gesture, but even a tiny step in the right direction distances further from the vile. Visit KHOU for more.

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Houston Man Wrestles Stilwell Angel to the Ground
Another passenger on another plane went goofy, this time commandeering the food and beverage cart. His short-lived reign on U.S. Airways Flight No. 500 ended when he led a charge at the flight attendant. Another passenger intervened and Stilwell was subdued. The FBI later escorted him from the plane. Visit TheChron for more.

Crashed Through the Doors of HISD with a Chicken in Hand!
Parents are becoming frustrated with the alleged unethical practices being enacted by HISD as it relates to hiring less than reputable contractors when building new education sites. What do you mean less than reputable? Contractors known for low wages, undocumented pay, wage theft and exploitation of non-citizenship. Visit MyFoxHouston for more.

Houston Texans 2012 Schedule
Look at that; that’s five nationally televised games. It’s also a chance to catch the home team come Thanksgiving Day. Yes sir or ma’m, this is one year you won’t be forced to root for America’s team. Looks to be a good season. Visit MyFoxHouston for more.

— The Loop Scoop

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April 4th, 2012

NEWScoop: Mineral Water, Elementary Gator Behavior, Doomsday, Temporal Rifts and a Nature Knocked DFW

Brown Manganese and Iron Infused Tap Water
Citizens in Danbury are complaining about the their water supply; its characteristics are listed above. The Texas Commission on Environmental Quality and the City of Danbury issued the following message, “SUCK IT UP!” Visit ABC13 for more.

Elementary School Curriculum: Gators 101
Seasoned alligator catcher, Texas Department of Parks & Wildlife game warden Barry Eversole nonchalantly quips that “It’s not rare to see gators this time of year. It gets blown way out of proportion.” It’s breeding season. Keep this in mind though, “Oh yeah, they’ll take your arm off,” he said. Visit TheChron for more.

City Boy Can Survive
The old adage about rural folk having the leg-up in survival situations seems to be incorrect as many city slickers are just as prone to gun ownership, shelter building and food storage. Fear knows no demographic. Just ask the people at Top Brass Military & Tactical. Visit MyFoxHouston for more.

12 Hurt On Their Way From Tampa to Houston
On Tuesday, United flight 1727 was en route from Tampa to Houston. Along the way it struck a rift in the space-time continuum causing an incredible amount of turbulence, over what the pilots think was Lake Charles, Louisiana. That’s the second time we’ve mentioned space-time today for anyone that’s counting. Visit TheChron for more.

Our Uppity Neighbors to the North are Still Our Neighbors
If you haven’t heard about the hail and tornadoes that ravaged parts of the DFW area yesterday, I would suggest pulling your head out of your nether regions. They require assistance. Here’s a few ways to help if you feel inclined to do so. Visit MyFoxHouston for more.

— The Loop Scoop

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March 23rd, 2012

NEWScoop: Cops Renting Rent-a-Cops, Chocolate and Slugworth, Not Visiting Houston, Moonrunners Caught and Lake Houston Shines

Cops Renting Rent-a-Cops is Like a Dream Within a Dream
It’s a radical notion. Will it be an Assistant to the Regional Manager type of thing? More than likely. The Sheriff’s Office claims these new “Boots on the Ground” (objectifying?) will merely perform the duties that legitimate police officers are unable to do, while gaining none of the power that comes with the badge. Sound familiar, Dwight? Visit TheChron for more.

Tejas Chocolate Ought to be Mindful of Slugworth
Scott Moore, Jr. and Michelle Holland have recently started their own Houston chocolate company. While they currently make their Cocoa concoctions on the side, they aspire to create full-time in a chocolate factory. Will they one day provide a tour in which the last remaining participant gets Tejas Chocolate? I can dream. Visit HoustonPress for more.

Houston—Nice Place to Live, but They Don’t Want to Visit
That’s yesterday’s Comment of the Day from Houstonian, Colleen over at Swamp Lot. She’s right, no one should ever feel the need to apologize for Houston. You don’t see it changing itself to fit in to some ideal. It’s going to remain much as it has. You adapt. You’re better for it. Visit SwampLot for more.

Dukes of New Chapel Hill a Step Behind Boss Hogg and Smith County
Uncle Jesse met his match in the Smith County Sheriff’s Office. His moonshine was confiscated. Charges are at this time uncertain. As for his niece, Daisy and two nephews, Bo and Luke, whether or not they were present at the time of the raid is not known. Visit MyFoxHouston for more.

Lake Houston Wilderness Park Offers Cushy Camping
A-frame camping structures with screened windows and doors built upon a deck and cabins on trails—inconceivable. While most likely foreign, if not looked down on notions to the rugged outdoors seeker, it’s good news. Visit TheChron for more.

— The Loop Scoop

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March 21st, 2012

NEWScoop: Tailgate in Downtown, Selig Call Berkman, Thieves Stop Stealing, Cells Stop Mutating and Cougars be Cougars

Bring the Meat Wagons and the Booze to any Astros, Dynamo or Rockets Games
The Houston City Council unanimously gave tailgating the OK. Grab your food, propane tanks, grills, beer and coolers because the chances of our already raucous indulgence has now doubled with the space allowing it. Visit TheChron for more.

Lance Berkman Will Take Your Call, Bud Selig
“Extortion” is the term being tossed back and forth between former Astro, Lance Berkman and Major League Baseball commissioner, Bud Selig. Berkman’s in till the 9th. Selig, make your move. Visit TheChron for more.

NEWS Alert: Expensive Items Look good to Thieves
With the ongoing story of BMW rims being stolen at Hobby and more recently crooks breaking into bike shops to steal high-end bikes, is any of it really surprising? Are heists not usually based on the effort to reward ratio? Why risk stealing a quartz, when a diamond lay beside it? Visit MyFoxHouston for more.

In related news…

Cheap Jewelry May Kill You
If the pricey stuff gets stolen, the less expensive stuff’ll wreak havoc on your cells. The message here is clear—don’t wear jewelry. Better yet, don’t wear anything. Don’t buy anything. Don’t anything. Visit MyFoxHouston for more.

UH Can Now Accurately Call Themselves Cougars
The University of Houston will now have a live cougar as their mascot. Don’t expect to see it mauling the competition during huddles. For supposed safety regulations, most of which I can’t fathom, the young cat will be brought to events via internet video. Visit TheChron for more.

— The Loop Scoop

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March 19th, 2012

NEWScoop: Sausage Surges, the Human Race Does Not Impress, a Garage Sale Bombs, DNA Outpaces and the FBI Tracks Blue Man for Wearing Blue

Sausage Surge Gets Dirty at Bikini Contest and Car Show
One does not simply have a car show and bikini gaze at a bar called FRANK-N-Stein’s on Saint Patrick’s Day and not experience trash throwing and fights. To expect anything less from that combustible crowd—it is folly. Visit KHOU for more.

Racism Undoubtedly Convinces Your Opponents
There is no better way to sway undecided voters and those of the opposition, that your candidate is the right guy for the job, than a little racial slur. Oh, and you can say “guy” this year, there aren’t any women running. If there were, you could get into sexism too. May ignorance be your Room of Requirement, jerk. Visit KHOU for more.

Kitscha-a-Boom
A pipe bomb was discovered at a garage sale in Wichita Falls. First off, who discovered it? How’d they know what it was? And why a garage sale? Who doesn’t like kitschy old stuff being bought by frugal kitschy old stuff loving citizens? Visit TheChron for more.

DNA: Does Not Abdicate
Thirty years or thirty days—it does not quit. It can free men from being wrongfully imprisoned and get those that perform evil, behind bars. Remember those jewel thieves that robbed the Zales in the Galleria the day before Christmas? Deoxyribonucleic acid’s on to ‘em. Visit MyFoxHouston for more.

FBI Wants Your Help in Identifying Man Devoid of Green on Saint Patrick’s Day
He was last seen wearing a beige baseball cap, navy blue jacket, navy Polo shirt with white stripes, blue jean dungarees, dark shoes and sunglasses while conversing with a bank teller at a Fiesta in southwest Houston. Visit ABC13 for more.

— The Loop Scoop

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March 1st, 2012

NEWScoop: Honorary Kiva Blast, No Jugs in Jail, Oh Brothel Where Art Thou, Monkee Business

Kivakamini Somakandarkram!!!!!!!!!
Above is my reaction at hearing of the passing of a lifelong friend, Kiva, the 16 year old giraffe at the Houston Zoo. Did you know that a giraffe has the same number of vertebrae in its neck as a human? Tis true. Visit MyFoxHouston for more.

No Jugs in Jail
Inmates are seeking to improve the conditions of the Liberty County Jail. You know, cheer the place up a bit. Now what this place really needs is some nice Skinemax on the old tube. Some rockin’ T & A. That’s the ticket. A local judge respectfully disagrees. Visit Click2Houston for more.

Let’s All Pity the Murderess
As Susan Wright rots in jail for tying up her husband and stabbing him 193 times, she receives an email from the Dr. Phil show, implying that her children are dead (untrue). Way to go, Dr. Phil. Like this poor, put-upon angel needs any more stress, what with her TV debut coming up and all. Visit Click2Houston for more.

No More Courtyard Shags
Edna Chadwell, we hardly knew ye. But we all know of your infamous Le Grange Chicken Ranch Brothel and we’ll remember you as the gentle madam that you were. “It was the nicest little whorehouse you ever saw”… until Marvin Zindler had to go and ruin Lone Star prostitution. Visit Chron.com for more.

Clowns Never Laughed Before, Beanstalks Never Grew…
The world lost a legend yesterday when Davy Jones, famous member of the Beatles, passed away. What? Oh, not the Beatles? Who the hell are the Monkees? Well then why is this news? Visit Chron.com for more.

— The Loop Scoop

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February 29th, 2012

NEWScoop: A&M Joins Present, HOA be Hatin’ ‘Roos, Pastor Asks Parker, Bats Spread Flu and Blue Pen Performs Miracle

Congratulations, Texas A&M—You’ve Joined the Present
News has come that A&M’s first female yell leader candidate has made the runoff in this year’s voting. This, along with the hiring of former University of Houston Coach, Kevin Sumlin on December 10th, marks another stride into the 21st century. Whoop?  Visit TheChron for more.

I Wanna Be Like Mike
A local kangaroo is under attack, as an HOA association cracks down on his presence in a Spring neighborhood. “I don’t see what the big deal is,” the marsupial states [probably]. “I’m just an ordinary guy trying to do my job here.” The ACLU has yet to be reached for comment. But PETA is pissed. Visit TheChronBlog for more.

Dear Gayor Mayor Parker, Cease in Supporting Same-sex Marriage
Pastor Steve Riggle of Grace Community Church has kindly asked the mayor to conform to the Texas Constitution, claiming her support of same-sex marriage violates it. I can’t say if it does one way or the other. I’ll leave that the law makers. This is ridiculous. Right? Visit MyFoxHouston for more.

Nothing Spreads Like Fear
A bat, possibly containing a new form of flu virus, was caught in the cafeteria at a Fort Bend Elementary School. That’s it. It’s over, people. Six months, tops, and half the global population will be gone, finito, no mas. If you happen to have been one of the three dozen people who actually shelled out 15 bucks to see Contagion, you know what I’m talking about. “Don’t talk to anyone. Don’t touch anyone.” Visit Click2Houston for more.

Instant Gratification in a Miniature Blue Pen
One woman in Pearland has recently stumbled onto a pleasant side effect of her Type 2 Diabetes medication—weight loss. Other side effects may include: $600 less a month in your bank account, nausea, headaches, increased risk of thyroid cancer and no legitimate health solution. Visit KHOU for more.

— The Loop Scoop

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