March 7th, 2012

Listomania: The Bitchfest that Binds

Houston is far from perfect, but we think we’ve got some good things going in the Bayou City. In fact, sometimes the things we bitch and moan about can become a deranged source of pride and cityism. Call them first-world problems, call it Stockholm Syndrome, call it what you will, but we work hard and own our mistakes. We’ve thrown together a list of the top Houston rants that, when it comes down to it, are actually the ties that bind.

THE METRO-RAIL
You guys going to add any more colors to that monochromatic rail map? Hell, even Dallas has a four-hue rainbow. Whether it’s trains hitting pedestrians, cars driving on the easily confusing tracks or METRO’s Chief getting in trouble for porning it up on his work computer, Houston’s transit has had a tough time getting started.

Spin it, fool: Building tracks correctly takes time. If you ride now, you’re HIP?

THE ASTROS
“Huhuh- more like DISASTROS!” Have pity on your friends that say things like this. They have faced years of bunglesome coaching and management that thinks a baseball farm system has something to do with sorghum and cotton. They are the meek and they shall inherit the Wild Card…some day.

Spin it, fool: There’s nowhere to go but up?

COMCAST
Yeah, this could be a universal complaint not just pertaining to Houston. You know what though, nationwide or not, it’s a serious issue when a friend, in the midst of their brand new rental or homeowner bliss, must devote their life breath to Comcast’s shortcomings rather than the happiness of said occasion. Five hour activation windows on a work day? Who came up with that service strategy?! More like Communistcast if you ask me.

Spin it, fool: For every minute that you don’t have the tube or internets clamoring in the foreground, that’s a chance for you to seek entertainment elsewhere. Go eat somewhere or pretend to buy something—SLGT and the like.

THE HUMIDITY
Rats! I’m sweatin’ in my special spots just from opening the door’s mail slot in April. Never mind a walk from the car or foggy glasses. This sh*t’s thick as pea soup. There’s a reason it’s sa’ damn humid, we live in a subtropical climate, ergo Houston’s greatest aesthetic attributes; its green grass and vibrant foliage. Which are now dead. Thanks drought!

Spin it, fool: You take away the moisture and you get Dallas. Besides, Mama always says the humidity keeps the skin young. Put a straw in the air and drink it up.

TXU
When it comes to unsatisfaction, I’m not sure there’s a player here that’s on par with the electric behemoth. Last week they were in the news for authorizing twelve different accounts under one man’s name. This week they’ve started experimenting with burning blue whale oil to generate their currents. Ok, maybe they haven’t done that yet, but we’re not going to put it past them until we see a better track record. Desperation is an ugly shirt in any season.

Spin it, fool: Their ineptitude means more business for the smaller guys.

THE POTHOLES
By definition, our potholes aren’t really potholes, per se. They’re more of what most people consider to be small ponds, craters and trenches. Legend has it that every so often a car will just disappear, it’s owner never to be heard from again. UFO’s? Kidnapping? That thing that happens to people in that Left Behind movie? Nope. Houston potholes.

Spin it, fool: It’s a legitimate reason for better tires. It’ll make a rally car racer out of the most timid driver. See Westheimer.

KUBIAK
Sure we had one helluvah run this year, but was that ‘cause of Kubes, or were the Texans winning despite him? If passes on 3rd and short and punt plays that leave us scratching our heads make an appearance again next season, Wade Phillips should get the head coaching job he so audibly pines for…and we shouldn’t even make him relocate.

Spin it, fool: A nearly unparalleled running game and the potential to snatch up Peyton Manning (Sorry, Matt, but it’s PEYTON FRICKIN’ MANNING)- maybe we’re on the right track after all.

THE ZONING LAWS & URBAN “PROGRESS”
Thank you for joining us on this tour of Houston. We hope you are enjoying your stay. To your left, you will see a lovely, three-story Victorian era home. Next to it, we call that particular landmark a Jack in the Box. Across the street to the left you will find a gigantic art-deco home that looks like something from Entourage where a 19th-century, family-owned cotton gin stood until just last year. This, ladies and gentlemen, is the future.

Spin it, fool: You’re never left wanting for the diverse.

THE TRAFFIC
What goes up and down the stairs without moving? What crime is punishable if attempted, but not if committed? I am always being fixed, but I will always leave you broken- what am I? Solutions: A rug. Coup d’etat. The intersection of Studemont and 610.

Spin it, fool: Increased traffic means more people on the roads, on their way to get things done. At this pace, METRO-rail and more taxis are going to look like better and better options financially.

THE GHOST OF ENRON
It’s not enough that every outsider thinks we’re a bunch of oil tycoons that drive tanks and spit on dolphins and redwood trees. Enron left a bad taste in our mouths that it’s taken years to scrub out, so let sleeping Lay’s lie. I guess it’s true what they say though. “It’s better to have gone bankrupt after hiding billions in debt with accounting loopholes and special purpose entities than to have never had those billions at all.” That’s a saying, right?

Spin it, fool: We’re pretty much the capital of Texas commerce. You can’t make an omelet without breaking a few eggs.

— The Loop Scoop

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