September 30th, 2010
The Procrastinator’s Plan 9.30.10
A barrel full of monkeys isn’t as much fun as it used to be. That’s troublesome because I’m not exactly sure what that says about me. Whether I shook the barrel like a maraca or spread them, arm in arm, across the hall to trip my dad, I could think of a million things to do with them when I was younger. I could spend hours enchanted by a plastic barrel full of undulating red monkeys. Sure, call me strange, but don’t pretend that you didn’t do unspeakable things with your Barbies. I won’t judge.
Tuesday night, at our weekly Loop Scoop poop shoot, there were monkeys and they were in a barrel, but it just wasn’t the same. Sure, they allowed me to concentrate on something other than what Paul wanted to discuss, but it was more because I was avoiding responsibility than being truly entertained. I just sat there, linking the eternal monkey chain, only to have it fall apart, or trying to artistically mount them on one another. Hey… I said it was artistic. No matter what I tried, it just didn’t have the imagination it used to. I guess I won’t be able to get through customs on my way to Never Never Land. Someone better old yeller my ass.
If you’re imagination is on life support, head down to the Children’s Museum of Houston. Saturday is Prudential Financial Day, which means they’ll have fun games to teach you about fiscal responsibility. This is a good thing if you are broke like me. It’s a much better idea than taking your life savings to Vegas and screaming “always bet on black” at the roulette table. Luck was definitely a stinky dude in a jail cell that night. If that isn’t enough of a reason, they’ll be hosting an inventor’s workshop to create wind powered wonders and they’ll be making flubber. If that isn’t the most perfect afternoon of inventing fart powered machines and creating a goo that makes realistic fart sounds, then you have problems. Probably one or two more than me.
So there aren’t any mini-golf places in the loop, which is kind of a buzzkill if you want to play mini-golf or chase little kids around with a putter. In light of this stunning information, The Procrastinator proposes hosting a golf party. Never heard of a golf party? Well, for your information, it’s a party where each room in a house is home to a different drink. To complete the round, you have to make your way through each hole. And no, vomiting in the bathroom is not a hole in one. Get a bunch of your friends together and have each person host a drink. If your friends drink as much as mine, the only thing you’ll have to worry about is the morning after, but there’s a pill for that. A word of caution: make sure you hide all your scandalous lingerie, unless you want to see your drunk friends parading around the house in it. Trust me, you don’t. The procrastinator’s shot of choice for such occasions: “The Lindsay Lohan“, which is a red headed slut with a splash of coke.
I’m late to the Tosh.0 bus, but I climbed through the emergency exit and got a seat in the back like all the other cool kids. Wherever the idea of “web redemption” came from, it was genius. My only problem is that every time I’m involved in one of these incidents, there’s no one with a video camera around. Dammit. I want my fifteen minutes! Anyway, enough about me. Daniel Tosh is bringing his Tosh 2010 Tour to the Verizon Wireless Theater on Saturday. He’s doing two shows, one at 7:30 and another at 10:30. I’m guessing he really needs the money because his show is on Comedy Central and he relentlessly plugs the tour at the end of every show. I get that Joe McHale has to do it, but he’s on E! I thought Comedy Central paid better, but I guess not. Whatever Tosh’s celebrity worth, he’s a funny guy, so check out him out.
John Lithgow is Human
This Saturday night at the Grand 1984 Opera House in Galveston, John Lithgow is himself—in a manner of speaking. He is on tour right now telling stories both fiction and non-fiction in monologue form. His show will dive into his past as he remembers his grandparents and parents, stories told to him, tales of acting and the relationships that have made him the man he is today. The show starts at 8:00 p.m., so my advice would be getting there at 7:30. What’s this, you’re hungry? We’ve got some suggestions for that as well. How about 901 Post Office? It’s right down the street from where you’ll be seeing John Lithgow. If that place isn’t your style, try Cafe Michael Burger or Leon’s Finest In & Out Barbecue House. We’ve yet to go to these places, but my aunt swears by them.