September 13th, 2010
The Spartan Race: A Training Journal (Week 1)
To our loving mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, comrades, goldfish, harem and groupies, Spartan Race-Houston approacheth. On October 3rd, 2010, weep not for us, for we shall be ready with steely reserve to stare down and conquer the myriad of obstacles that await. We’re going to give you, our dear Loopsters, a precious glimpse into the regimen of a true warrior. Leading up to the event in Navasota, we’ll publish our Spartan Race Training Journal each Monday. You’ll agree that our methods cannot fail.
Spartan Race Training: Day 1
Stardate September 6th: I drank a half bottle of Evan Williams, ran three miles on a treadmill and hired a six year old child to whip me about the head, neck and groin with a bar of soap in a tube sock in preparation for the Spartan Race. I have been told that this is unnecessary.
Spartan Race Training: Day 2
Went for a run with the girlfriend in downtown. Probably should have told her she was my girlfriend when I met her at Wimpy’s thirty minutes before. Also may have been a good idea to tell her that “going for a run” throwing her on my back, upside down, and doing wind sprints while hurdling Rav 4s. She’ll still call.
Spartan Race Training: Day 3
Staying on Crab Island, South of Galveston. Dr. No was kind enough to let me train at his secret hideout. If I succeed and escape alive, I win for life. Must defeat giant calamari without the help of its kryptonite, marinara sauce. So near the end.
Spartan Race Training: Day 4
I read the first chapter of Gravity’s Rainbow while performing advanced yoga in a windowless, 100 degree storage shed. Then I ate a gallon of Moo-Lineum Crunch. Yin and yang.
Spartan Race Training: Day 5
I must learn to defeat all forms of adversary. As the movie 300 has taught me, one of those be magic. I asked an old friend, Baron Samedi for training tips. He doesn’t like my quips… Nor my zingers. He stared at me today for over 6 hours, only to cackle every 10 minutes. What kind of sorcery is this? Waste. Of. Time.
Spartan Race Training: Day 6
I adorned myself in baby oil and a pair of cutoff blue jean shorts and had my friend roll me out of the back of his truck on 45 N in handcuffs at 5:45 p.m. That doesn’t have anything to do with the race, really, but I thought it was worth mentioning.
Spartan Race Training: Day 7
Donned loincloth and set off to hunt wolverines with nothing but a spork from Luby’s. Unfortunately, the Houston Zoo doesn’t keep any – a fact I found apparent when Zoo security yanked me out by my naughty bits from the Red Panda cage. I knew they were too cute to be my prey, but the lust of blood was in full force. Only managed to kill several shoots of bamboo, but these will make some mighty fine spears and/or blow guns. I’m getting closer.