September 20th, 2010

The Spartan Race: A Training Journal (Week 2)

To our loving mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, comrades, goldfish, harem and groupies, Spartan Race-Houston approacheth. On October 3rd, 2010, weep not for us, for we shall be ready with steely reserve to stare down and conquer the myriad of obstacles that await. We’re going to give you, our dear Loopsters, a precious glimpse into the regimen of a true warrior. Leading up to the event in Navasota, we’ll publish our Spartan Race Training Journal each Monday. You’ll agree that our methods cannot fail.

Spartan Race Training: Day 8
Smoked Chesterfield cigarettes while running 30 miles back and forth along Galveston’s South beaches in tuxedo. I am still able to pass air through my lungs. Must smoke more. Must imbibe more martinis. Fell from grace into the surf. No beauties were sent to revive.

Spartan Race Training: Day 9
Circuit-trained at Chuck-e-Cheese, playing every game in the place at break-neck speed. Was asked to leave (and to put shirt back on) by a very nice, elderly security guard. Munch’s Make Believe Band was just getting cranked up though, so things got ugly.

Spartan Race Training: Day 10
Eating coffee beans straight from the one-pound, Catalina bag, decided base jumping from the top of the Beatles was a good idea. Twenty meters is not enough for a parachute deploy. Then again, a parachute made of fast food napkins and hobos’ floss is always deployed. Did see vision of John Lennon upon impact. Looked surprisingly like Paul Beebe.


Spartan Race Training: Day 11
After four Budweiser’s, a quarter bottle of absinthe and the avocado omelet from Hobbit, I paid for the “platinum” car-wash at that place on Smith and charged through. Although I was bruised and immediately drenched myself in vomit lying in the parking lot afterward, my skin has never been so polished or rain-resistant. I am almost ready…

Spartan Race Training: Day 12
Rented a bear from cousin Jeremiah. Not sure he is licensed to vend both wild creatures and tacos ,or how he kept this enterprise a secret in his garage for so long. Either way, now I’ve got a pissed off bear in my van and only one of us is getting out alive. I wonder if I can get my deposit back.

Spartan Race Training: Day 13
Massage day. I should say “massage night.” Apparently, an Asian massage parlor at midnight is quite a cop hangout. Just after being allowed in the shack and my choice of girl, police came in sirens blazing and guns drawn to thank me for the service I’ve been providing during training. Philanthropy is regarded highly in Houston.

Spartan Race Training: Day 14
Forced eyelids open with toothpicks and rubber cement and watched every Matthew McConaughey movie made in the last decade. No longer recognize my own hands.

— The Loop Scoop


Jan — Wednesday, March 23, 2016 1:19 pm

LOVE Your Chesterfield Cigarette LIFESTYLE,Had Beach Same,running 30 miles back and forth. Old Chesterfields Were An Upper,Downer And Over The *Counter! Carry~On!

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